The Re-Growth Stage

Okay, so it's been about two years. I'm officially in my late 20s. I don't know why but I've been itching to continue journaling again, so here I am. 

Just to catch you up on the past month... I had been wanting to quit my current company for awhile now. It's been years actually. But I really thought I was going to buckle down and apply to jobs soon after I got my master's degree. That was at the end of 2022. We're a quarter into 2024. I suck.

In October 2023, my program lost the bid for the contract we had been working toward, so they laid off a bunch of subcontractors, as well as moved some of our own internal employees to another program. I was saved though because I'm cheap labor. But not for long. It was at that point I knew that I really needed to get serious. It was also just the perfect time to leave. And I genuinely did start applying for new jobs, like on LinkedIn and Glassdoor and what not. Got rejected almost immediately from all of them. Probably because my resume didn't meet whatever their machine learning algorithms were looking for. 

A lot of my other team members had the same idea and started leaving in droves. There was a Confluence page tracking the list of people that were departing and every week, there was always a new name. Usually names. In early 2024, the only other young developer left on the program quit and went over to one of our subcontractors. And he was telling me how he got the position from talking to some of the coworkers. So I did the same. One of the senior developers on my team was leaving to join the same new program. He really liked me and always gave me stellar comments on my performance reviews, so I asked if he could put a word in for me, and he did. 

Things happened so fast. A few days after I gave the senior developer my resume, I got a call from an HR guy at his company and he asked me a few surface-level questions, including how much I was expecting as a salary. I said 140 to 160K because I'm an idiot. I wasn't expecting that question so soon, so I wasn't prepared. Giving a range was stupid, when I could've said I was expecting no less than whatever-number. But the guy called me back a few days letter and said the company was offering 160K. 

I was excited. It was a 30K salary bump and I didn't even have to do an interview. It was on a Monday in March that I found out about the offer letter. They gave me only a few days to accept the offer. I asked for an extension, and they gave me until Friday. I had wanted to shop around at other companies but I didn't think I'd get it so easy anywhere else.

I told my group leader about the offer letter, because I was most likely going to take it. Then, she went and told my engineering manager, and the engineering manager tried to see if she can give me a counter-offer.

As that was happening, I had heard inklings that my current program was doing a huge downsizing at the end of March. I was told that I would be safe because I'm not a subcontractor, so I didn't think too much of it. I accepted the offer with the new company. Then, later found out that actually, the offer was contingent on me passing an interview with a whole other company that was the prime on the project. The guy that was supposed to be my new manager told me that I should be fine and he could use his clout and power to nudge me in if there was anything wrong with the interview. But I honestly did not fully trust him. So I was scared. This was all early March, by the way.

A few days before the end of March, I had a phone call with my engineering manager about the counter-offer and she told me that HR couldn't come up with a match. Then at the end of the conversation, she told me that she had initially planned for me to roll of the program to join the "follow-on" program, which was our company collaborating with the company that had actually won the program. But because of my offer, she didn't know what to do with me. 

Now, I was scared. I had heard nothing from the new company about when the interview should be happening. And once this supposed interview happened, I didn't know if I even actually had a new job lined up. I didn't know if I would have work at my current company. And I had to make sure I wrapped up my ticket within a week because I couldn't work on it afterward and I just wanted to leave the program on a good note, you know?

Worst of all, while I was trying to get information about what was going to happen to me, everyone was on spring break. On Friday, last week, I shredded my notes, packed up the things on my desk (there wasn't much), cleaned off my tables, not knowing if I'd be back the following week. I had already told some people that I might not be around after that Friday, but most people were out on vacation so I didn't get to say goodbye to everyone. The whole thing was so awkward.

I did go to the DevOps room to say goodbye because it was like 6pm on a Friday and they were the only ones that would were there that I would remotely care about that was still in the office. I was hoping I'd get to say bye to my office crush, but he acted sort of weird. He has a separate office from the rest of the DevOps guys because he's the DevOps lead. And he saw me talking to the rest, asked if I was going leaving the program, I said I should be, and then he walked off because he needed to go talk to our software lead. And I didn't see him after that. Very un-ceremonial. I thought we were good friends. 

But it's fine because I can finally be normal now. The crush was not healthy or sane whatsoever. But that's for another post, I guess. 

I woke up on Monday morning and messaged my group leader telling her I had no idea what I'm supposed to be doing today. She told me that the plan the whole time was for me to be charging overhead until I'm placed on a new program, which means I should be using my time doing professional training. And I got a wink wink nudge nudge from both her and my engineering manager to use my PTO, so that's what I've been doing. Going to the gym, sitting at home, half-heartedly watching tech videos, going to doctor's appointments, laying about and using PTO to use up my time because why not. It has been restorative, actually. 

Today was extra special because I finally had the interview for my new program. I absolutely BLEW it though. The guys asked me questions about technology I hadn't used in years. I couldn't remember shit. And what's worse is that my new manager told me exactly what to study for the interview and I didn't do it. For some reason, my dumb ass thought that it was going to be an informal interview. But I also don't blame myself too much because everyone I knew that had done the interview said it was really easy and they just asked about their resume. And they did ask about my resume... I just didn't think they'd be so in-depth. 

So I definitely looked stupid and said stupid shit. But on the phone call, the IPT lead seemed to like me. I could tell that much. I did try to be charming and bubbly when they weren't asking me tech questions.

After the interview, I was contemplating drinking myself to oblivion because I felt so bad and so stupid. Like what was I going to tell my engineering leader now if I failed the interview? Yeah, actually I'll stay at this company with my dinky 130K salary after I was just offered a 165K salary because I just LOOOOVE my company so much. 

I was frantically texting my friends about how bad it went when I got a text message from my new manager that I was accepted. I was elated. It had to be my charm. 

So now I'm waiting on an HR call, which hopefully I get it tomorrow. And I can finally give a start date to my engineering manager. It's all sort of sucky though because yesterday, I interviewed for a potential program at my current company and begged my engineering manager to let me join them because I really had no idea what was going on with my new company and didn't want to be unemployed. I told her I promised to do at least a month with them. Clearly, I was desperate as hell. Now I don't want to because I don't have to. 

I'm hoping for a good Friday. I'm booking a massage because my knees, feet, and heels have been killing me. I tried buying new shoes for walking on the treadmill and they don't seem to be doing it for me. My biggest problem is that one of my feet is bigger than the other so the heel of my smaller foot keeps trying to slide out of my shoe so it hits the heel covering as I take strides. I wish I could buy two different sizes of shoes but I also think I just need to get actual good running/walking shoes. 

I'm also planning on booking a Brazilian wax (because I had been shaving and my coochie is really upset with me for it), and getting a pedicure. Because my toes have been looking wack all winter. 

I have a new friends with benefits, who I call the Egyptian because he's from there. But I might cut him off because he hasn't checked in on me all week. It's technically been two weeks but I was the one that took the initiative and checked in on him last week. And then he asked me to come over last Friday, and I was on my period, but I didn't like how last-minute it was. So I said no. Otherwise, I probably would've tried to make it work. I liked how cute and romantic he was when we first met, and now things feel different and it changed so fast. 

It doesn't help that I'm not that attracted to him. He's cute and has a really nice body but he's not what I want for some reason. He's fun to talk to in-person. He's very sweet. But he's said some things that turned me off. On the first fuck, he tried to put it in without a condom and was insistent that he was clean. I just thought it was weird that he didn't care about his health and safety whatsoever. Then, once while we were having sex, he asked to do anal. And I just feel like that's a conversation you have before you're actually doing it. I didn't want to. I've never done anal. And I was freaked out about it. I think I'd have been open in other circumstances but now I really don't want to. And then, he told me he doesn't eat coochie. Which is so new to me because every other guy I had been with so far had been proud eaters. I don't really like getting eaten out that much, so it technically isn't a problem but at the time, he had asked why I hadn't given him head yet, and so I rebutted that he hadn't given me head. And that's when he said he doesn't eat coochie, so I thought it was weird. 

And then worst of all, I don't enjoy sex with him as much as I have with other partners. And it's not his fault. He has a generous-sized dick that curves. And for some reason, it hurts me in the weirdest way. I can feel his dick in my anus. And if I'm riding on top, I can feel it right below my belly button. And I always have pain when I have sex but with other partners, but once my coochie is warmed up, when they slide their dick in, it feels good. I don't get those good sensations with the new guy's dick. I think it's because it curves away from my g-spot. 

He also lasts really long and my vagina gets sore really quickly because I have vagina issues, so I try to go longer because I want at least one of us to finish. And then afterward, my vagina is sore for a few days... or a whole week.

So yeah... the sex isn't worth it.

I don't know about that Brazilian wax tomorrow. I still might get it because I feel like the re-growth is making me uncomfortable down there. If the Egyptian decides to act right tomorrow, he gets a nice surprise. But if he doesn't reach out to me by the end of the weekend, I think I'll go ahead and cut him off. I'm already mentally cutting him off right now.