I had the most peaceful weekend I've ever had in a long while. I went out on Thursday to Ladies Night at this one bar after a guyfriend asked me to go out. It was funny because I was actually considering asking a group to go but I was feeling a little tired, had just gotten back from a salsa class, and was erring on the side of just staying in. When I got the text, I felt like it had been a sign. I got ready and was ready to share an Uber with the guyfriend when he told me that he didn't want to go anymore because the girl he was interested in would be there with a guy she likes.
For the purposes of this post, I will refer to the guyfriend as The Ginger.
I was disappointed but I completely understood. I was actually annoyed with the girl because she seemed to be stringing him along even though she was not into him. It would be one thing if she saw The Ginger as just a good friend but from getting to know her, I realized that she simply craved male attention and liked to keep a harem of men around her to boost her ego. After sending a slew of annoyed texts about her, I decided to go off on an Uber on my own to the bar.
Even though it was Ladies Night, the bar was outnumbered by men in baseball caps, ill-fitted t-shirts, and shorts -- the classic, Florida man fit. I got a drink and found my friends in the crowd. After catching up with my friends, I saw the girl that The Ginger liked, who I'll call Desiree, for now. She had actually been close-by but she was with a group of men who looked like locals, so she sort of blended in. Desiree came up and hugged me and we exchanged niceties. As soon as she turned back to them, my friends told me that The Ginger had screenshotted my texts about her and sent it to Desiree.
My mind raced as the realization set in. I was in the bar for only a few minutes, already on-edge by the crowd, and I was now extremely annoyed because the person I had called a friend had just betrayed me for a girl who doesn't even give a shit about him. To make matters worst, this "friend" was the same friend that had made touched my best girl friend inappropriately. It is so shitty of me to make this the last straw, but unfortunately, it is what it is. I felt even grosser that I had just hugged the girl I just talked shit about, right after she found out that I talked shit about her. It was such an awkward situation, and luckily, I didn't have to see her after that. But apparently, she was feeling bad about what she had been doing to The Ginger. As far as I'm concerned, I don't really care if she uses him. In fact, I am on her side now. Use his stupid ass.
In that moment, I wanted to tell his ass off through text message but the Lord held me back somehow. I had some clarity in the morning and I figured I would just play nice until I left this state. No matter what, I'll have to see him at the same events, and he's not going to ruin my remaining fun in Florida, so I may as well make it comfortable for the both of us. Luckily, he will be leaving for Colorado in March so I don't even have to worry about seeing him for much longer.
Even so, I actually ended up having a decent Thursday night. I always go out with the hope of meeting someone and come home disappointed but even though that didn't happen this time, I felt like the people I saw wanted me there and liked talking to me, and coming home didn't feel as painful. As usual, I bought food from UberEats and fell asleep and had the person knocking on my door for too long. I ordered Steak N' Shake -- a burger, fries, and their chili on spaghetti. Nothing tasted good except for the spaghetti chili, surprisingly. I was already dead tired so my dumb ass should have just slept.
The next day was Valentine's Day and I thought I was going to go out but that didn't end up happening. My closest friend was sick and my go-to party group was out-of-town. It only sucked because I hyped myself up for the day since it had sort of been a tradition, since freshman year of college, for me to get dressed and go out and party every Valentine's Day. Otherwise, I usually don't care about the day. I've been on Twitter a lot in the past year and it was such an ugly reminder of my singleness because everyone on that app is miserable. If I'm single again next year, I will just delete the app for the entirety of February.
Because I was still desperate to go out, I messaged Teddy. He was out-of-town too. I regretted it as soon as I sent the text but he ended up asking me if I was going to be at happy hour next week. I said yes and he said he would see me then. It was very platonic but I've been on another Teddy-high since then because of it. I'm hyping myself up for another disappointment but what can I, a sentient mound of flesh and hormones, do?
I actually did end up having a nice Valentine's day night. I went over to my friend's place and we ate snacks and watched 'When Harry Met Sally', which ended up being such a good movie. I already have such an affinity for late-80s/early-90s movies for whatever reason. I think it's because they remind me of my childhood, even though I was not alive in neither the late-80s or the early-90s. But the movie was also just so well-done. The comedy was on-point, the dialogue was meaningful, the romance was believable, even though the age-difference between the main actor and actress was sort-of weird. But best of all, the movie wasn't too long for me. I could definitely do another white-people romance movie if it was gonna be like that.
I went home sober on a Friday night in Melbourne, which was very different for me. It felt very good. On Saturday, I went to Cocoa Beach to have an acai bowl. I went to a nearby cafe afterward and ate a disgusting gluten-free coffee cake while trying to study for the GREs. An old lady came up to me and said I had a very pretty face. It was such a surprising thing to hear as I was/am suffering through the worst break-out on my chin, I was probably greasy, and I have never considered myself attractive enough to have someone stop in their tracks. She said she was an artist and she loved the proportions of my face, emphasizing my big eyes. I never really considered myself having "big eyes" either, so that was even more of a surprise.
The compliment stuck with me but it also made me feel like crawling up underneath the table. It's one thing if people don't notice you for your looks at all. But now that she pointed out my looks, I felt that she was scrutinizing me. Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she thought I looked pretty at first glance and with better inspection, I was not pretty at all. Even if she didn't think that way, all I could think about was how my "proportional" face does not get me anyone that I want. So how pointless is that?
After Cocoa Beach, I decided to stop by this record store that I had been meaning to check out for a while now. It was in Satellite Beach so it was southbound, on the way home. The record store had been advertised on posters around where I lived and I had been wanting to check out their band t-shirts. It was definitely a cute little store and the people who run it know their stuff but their t-shirt collection was lacking. I did like their CD selection and I've recently been buying old CDs to listen to in my car. I bought Tina Turner, Sade, and Michael McDonald CDs. To be fair, I probably could've found each of them at a thrift store for a cheaper price but I felt like I had to buy something after making conversation with one of the store owners and perusing for so long. I knew the Sade album, Promise, pretty well as I'm a fiend for her but it was nice having something physical of hers and her band. I played the Tina Turner Greatest Hits album in my car right after buying it and it was so disappointing. It was a little too "pop" for my taste. I think I was expecting Ike and Tina, when I decided to get it but got washed-up pop star instead. I have yet to listen to the Michael McDonald album but I think I'll save that for the weekend.
I later met up with Taylor at a restaurant beachside. It is called something like the Happy Healthy Human Cafe. I had been to the place about two or three times before. I think the first time I went, I tried their acai bowl, but I can't remember how I felt about it or if I even ate one. The second time, I tried their quinoa bowl, expecting a meal of mostly quinoa and got a a dry salad of mostly spinach. I choked the salad down and made note to never try that again. That was probably in the summer, last year. I had been itching to go again after one of my team members began carrying a coffee in a mason jar. He got the mason jar as part of some milkshake or drink he ordered at the same cafe. I didn't know what I wanted to try there, but I wanted that mason jar.
Taylor had actually recommended the place after seeing that it would was not far from me. We meet up there and she asks for coffee and they didn't have any. I ordered a "human" sandwich . thinking I was going to get some veggies and fake meat between two slices of bread. Instead, I got a mess of zoodles, carrots, hummus, and some undetectable thing in between pieces of a cracker. Like imagine trying to fit a salad in between two Ritz crackers and expecting someone to eat it like a sandwich. That's essentially what it was. I guess I mistook "onion bread" for being something close to bread. It isn't what you think it is, folks.
Even as I roast this "sandwich", it was actually pretty good. But Taylor was not comfortable with anything on the menu so after taking one bite, I packed my lunch to go and we went to another cafe. The next place we went to ended up being less of a "cafe" and more like a sit-down restaurant. It was definitely a locals hot spot, with an pricier menu and everything. I thought I would be able to order a coffee and eat my own lunch there, but it was not that sort of place at all. I ended up ordering a whole other meal, blackened mahi-mahi on a kaiser roll, so that I didn't feel out-of-place. Me and Taylor chitchatted for a while until I had to leave to go to Orlando.
Yes, I promised this girl that I would go to Orlando for a night out after she had been wanting to go the week before. But that afternoon, I was feeling so ambivalent. The people who were going were a bunch of people that I'm not very close to and I did not want to be sober in a car full of white people (mostly men) that I don't know for the one-hour trip up there. I was also breaking out, bloated, and feeling ugly. I just did not want to be outside at all. I made up an excuse about having to wake up early the next day to get out of it and I laid in bed for the rest of Saturday watching episodes of The Boondocks and Love Island.
Sunday feels like such a blur. But I will just skip to now and tell you that it was a very much needed and relaxing weekend. I'm still struggling with feeling unattractive and fat. I have been eating a lot lately and it seems that my hunger pains and binge-eating issues have been aggressive in these past few days. My skin is my biggest issue though, as it has always been. But I think I'm done venting about that for now.
In my last post, I had a few things I wanted to touch upon but I think I'll just go through one or two of the bullet points. Some of the topics had been pretty hard on my mind last week and now I'm past it but I'll try to conjure up the same feelings as I write about it.
So, the other person in the friend group (or community of young professionals who work at Harris and party together) who committed sexual assault is a guy I actually was considering to be a good friend. I'm going to call him The Brazilian. He is the same guy whose going-away party I had just gone to. The Brazilian is a huge party-er and he always matched my energy when we would go out together. It had gotten to the point where he would invite me personally to go out with him and his little friend group. I thought I was going to miss him dearly but after hearing about what he did to a girl that I was getting close to, I have had to think otherwise. For some reason, I can't remember all the details of the situation that she told me. But what I remember most, which also disgusted me the most, was that he coerced her into having sex with him while they were drunk and pretended to use a condom when she had insisted that he use one.
I felt even worst about the situation because I felt like the signs that The Brazilian was gross had always been there. He was a huge flirt, and came home with a new girl every night he went out. It would be miraculous if he was clean with the amount of women he has probably had sex with. When I first met him a year ago, I thought he was so good-looking. He was tan, with abs, and piercing green eyes. As I got to know him, I realized how goofy-looking he actually was. His ears stuck out and he was beginning to look aged. He was approaching 30, after all. Luckily, I never thought of him as more than anything but a friend. But there was one night I spent with him where I started feeling suspicious of him.
I don't remember all the details of the night, nor do I think I feel like remembering all of them. I went out and ended up going back to The Brazilian's place with a girl friend of his from college, and a couple we had met out that night. We drank more, started dancing on top of the furniture, and acting up. The Brazilian had this great idea of staying up to watch the sunset. At some point in the night, the couple had left (the girl got jealous that her man was getting flirty with The Brazilian's girl friend and stormed out). And I was getting way too tired. The Brazilian started kissing up on the girl from his college days, and I felt like I was third-wheeling. I tried to call an Uber home several times in the night and he snatched my phone away. He kept insisting that I drink more even though I kept refusing.
It was weird because of course, I could've just left. But the people-pleaser in me felt awful about leaving. I ended up falling asleep in his guest room and using an almost-dead phone to call myself an Uber home in the morning. I felt off about it but I also took blame for a lot of it. I had heard of weirder situations with The Brazilian from my other friends. There had been one night where The Brazilian and the two of them had been smoking and doing other recreational drugs and it seemed like things were turning into a threesome. Somehow, it didn't happen but it was turning that way. If he had his way, The Brazilian would fuck his way through the entire company.
But it seems that the universe is doing the job of taking the terrible men out of my life as The Brazilian is gone as of last weekend and the guyfriend will be too by the end of this month. Otherwise, I'm not sure how I would've had to navigate life knowing these terrible things about men that think I'm cool with them when I'm really not.
In better guy news, I feel like me and the Old Crush are in a better place now. I let him pick me up to go to The Ginger's house where we were all going to share an Uber to go to the The Brazilian's place for his going-away party. When I got into his car, our banter felt so easy and comfortable. I don't feel this way with just anyone. I said this before but we really would be best friends if it weren't for the history and my awkwardness about the whole ordeal. I wish I had been a lot cooler about it but alas, I am just a mound of flesh and hormones. I don't really have much to say about this. I still get a tinge in my heart when I think or hear of him and I don't think that will go away. But I feel better about my healing and in this moment, at 10PM at night, I feel optimistic that I will find someone of my own who won't make me feel crazy about being obsessed with them.
I am struggling right now though. I was exhausted after work and had been ready to sleep at 9PM. I woke up only thirty minutes later and terrible thoughts went through my mind about death. I think about death all the time these days. I think I've mentioned that before. But tonight, it felt a little more painful, more pertinent and horrifying to imagine death. I thought about poor Ronet. I thought about the void. What does it feel like to be nowhere? It is just too terrifying to really think about and I cried a little bit. I ended up coming here to finish this post because stupid things like boys are a lot easier to think about than all of that. It's crazy to think that I know nothing else but this reality and one day, I won't have it and I'll never know what the next realm is until I get there.
It is really hard to contextualize this kind of shit without sounding too woo-woo and without getting depressed. I just want to sleep. Good night.
For the purposes of this post, I will refer to the guyfriend as The Ginger.
I was disappointed but I completely understood. I was actually annoyed with the girl because she seemed to be stringing him along even though she was not into him. It would be one thing if she saw The Ginger as just a good friend but from getting to know her, I realized that she simply craved male attention and liked to keep a harem of men around her to boost her ego. After sending a slew of annoyed texts about her, I decided to go off on an Uber on my own to the bar.
Even though it was Ladies Night, the bar was outnumbered by men in baseball caps, ill-fitted t-shirts, and shorts -- the classic, Florida man fit. I got a drink and found my friends in the crowd. After catching up with my friends, I saw the girl that The Ginger liked, who I'll call Desiree, for now. She had actually been close-by but she was with a group of men who looked like locals, so she sort of blended in. Desiree came up and hugged me and we exchanged niceties. As soon as she turned back to them, my friends told me that The Ginger had screenshotted my texts about her and sent it to Desiree.
My mind raced as the realization set in. I was in the bar for only a few minutes, already on-edge by the crowd, and I was now extremely annoyed because the person I had called a friend had just betrayed me for a girl who doesn't even give a shit about him. To make matters worst, this "friend" was the same friend that had made touched my best girl friend inappropriately. It is so shitty of me to make this the last straw, but unfortunately, it is what it is. I felt even grosser that I had just hugged the girl I just talked shit about, right after she found out that I talked shit about her. It was such an awkward situation, and luckily, I didn't have to see her after that. But apparently, she was feeling bad about what she had been doing to The Ginger. As far as I'm concerned, I don't really care if she uses him. In fact, I am on her side now. Use his stupid ass.
In that moment, I wanted to tell his ass off through text message but the Lord held me back somehow. I had some clarity in the morning and I figured I would just play nice until I left this state. No matter what, I'll have to see him at the same events, and he's not going to ruin my remaining fun in Florida, so I may as well make it comfortable for the both of us. Luckily, he will be leaving for Colorado in March so I don't even have to worry about seeing him for much longer.
Even so, I actually ended up having a decent Thursday night. I always go out with the hope of meeting someone and come home disappointed but even though that didn't happen this time, I felt like the people I saw wanted me there and liked talking to me, and coming home didn't feel as painful. As usual, I bought food from UberEats and fell asleep and had the person knocking on my door for too long. I ordered Steak N' Shake -- a burger, fries, and their chili on spaghetti. Nothing tasted good except for the spaghetti chili, surprisingly. I was already dead tired so my dumb ass should have just slept.
The next day was Valentine's Day and I thought I was going to go out but that didn't end up happening. My closest friend was sick and my go-to party group was out-of-town. It only sucked because I hyped myself up for the day since it had sort of been a tradition, since freshman year of college, for me to get dressed and go out and party every Valentine's Day. Otherwise, I usually don't care about the day. I've been on Twitter a lot in the past year and it was such an ugly reminder of my singleness because everyone on that app is miserable. If I'm single again next year, I will just delete the app for the entirety of February.
Because I was still desperate to go out, I messaged Teddy. He was out-of-town too. I regretted it as soon as I sent the text but he ended up asking me if I was going to be at happy hour next week. I said yes and he said he would see me then. It was very platonic but I've been on another Teddy-high since then because of it. I'm hyping myself up for another disappointment but what can I, a sentient mound of flesh and hormones, do?
I actually did end up having a nice Valentine's day night. I went over to my friend's place and we ate snacks and watched 'When Harry Met Sally', which ended up being such a good movie. I already have such an affinity for late-80s/early-90s movies for whatever reason. I think it's because they remind me of my childhood, even though I was not alive in neither the late-80s or the early-90s. But the movie was also just so well-done. The comedy was on-point, the dialogue was meaningful, the romance was believable, even though the age-difference between the main actor and actress was sort-of weird. But best of all, the movie wasn't too long for me. I could definitely do another white-people romance movie if it was gonna be like that.
I went home sober on a Friday night in Melbourne, which was very different for me. It felt very good. On Saturday, I went to Cocoa Beach to have an acai bowl. I went to a nearby cafe afterward and ate a disgusting gluten-free coffee cake while trying to study for the GREs. An old lady came up to me and said I had a very pretty face. It was such a surprising thing to hear as I was/am suffering through the worst break-out on my chin, I was probably greasy, and I have never considered myself attractive enough to have someone stop in their tracks. She said she was an artist and she loved the proportions of my face, emphasizing my big eyes. I never really considered myself having "big eyes" either, so that was even more of a surprise.
The compliment stuck with me but it also made me feel like crawling up underneath the table. It's one thing if people don't notice you for your looks at all. But now that she pointed out my looks, I felt that she was scrutinizing me. Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she thought I looked pretty at first glance and with better inspection, I was not pretty at all. Even if she didn't think that way, all I could think about was how my "proportional" face does not get me anyone that I want. So how pointless is that?
After Cocoa Beach, I decided to stop by this record store that I had been meaning to check out for a while now. It was in Satellite Beach so it was southbound, on the way home. The record store had been advertised on posters around where I lived and I had been wanting to check out their band t-shirts. It was definitely a cute little store and the people who run it know their stuff but their t-shirt collection was lacking. I did like their CD selection and I've recently been buying old CDs to listen to in my car. I bought Tina Turner, Sade, and Michael McDonald CDs. To be fair, I probably could've found each of them at a thrift store for a cheaper price but I felt like I had to buy something after making conversation with one of the store owners and perusing for so long. I knew the Sade album, Promise, pretty well as I'm a fiend for her but it was nice having something physical of hers and her band. I played the Tina Turner Greatest Hits album in my car right after buying it and it was so disappointing. It was a little too "pop" for my taste. I think I was expecting Ike and Tina, when I decided to get it but got washed-up pop star instead. I have yet to listen to the Michael McDonald album but I think I'll save that for the weekend.
I later met up with Taylor at a restaurant beachside. It is called something like the Happy Healthy Human Cafe. I had been to the place about two or three times before. I think the first time I went, I tried their acai bowl, but I can't remember how I felt about it or if I even ate one. The second time, I tried their quinoa bowl, expecting a meal of mostly quinoa and got a a dry salad of mostly spinach. I choked the salad down and made note to never try that again. That was probably in the summer, last year. I had been itching to go again after one of my team members began carrying a coffee in a mason jar. He got the mason jar as part of some milkshake or drink he ordered at the same cafe. I didn't know what I wanted to try there, but I wanted that mason jar.
Taylor had actually recommended the place after seeing that it would was not far from me. We meet up there and she asks for coffee and they didn't have any. I ordered a "human" sandwich . thinking I was going to get some veggies and fake meat between two slices of bread. Instead, I got a mess of zoodles, carrots, hummus, and some undetectable thing in between pieces of a cracker. Like imagine trying to fit a salad in between two Ritz crackers and expecting someone to eat it like a sandwich. That's essentially what it was. I guess I mistook "onion bread" for being something close to bread. It isn't what you think it is, folks.
Even as I roast this "sandwich", it was actually pretty good. But Taylor was not comfortable with anything on the menu so after taking one bite, I packed my lunch to go and we went to another cafe. The next place we went to ended up being less of a "cafe" and more like a sit-down restaurant. It was definitely a locals hot spot, with an pricier menu and everything. I thought I would be able to order a coffee and eat my own lunch there, but it was not that sort of place at all. I ended up ordering a whole other meal, blackened mahi-mahi on a kaiser roll, so that I didn't feel out-of-place. Me and Taylor chitchatted for a while until I had to leave to go to Orlando.
Yes, I promised this girl that I would go to Orlando for a night out after she had been wanting to go the week before. But that afternoon, I was feeling so ambivalent. The people who were going were a bunch of people that I'm not very close to and I did not want to be sober in a car full of white people (mostly men) that I don't know for the one-hour trip up there. I was also breaking out, bloated, and feeling ugly. I just did not want to be outside at all. I made up an excuse about having to wake up early the next day to get out of it and I laid in bed for the rest of Saturday watching episodes of The Boondocks and Love Island.
Sunday feels like such a blur. But I will just skip to now and tell you that it was a very much needed and relaxing weekend. I'm still struggling with feeling unattractive and fat. I have been eating a lot lately and it seems that my hunger pains and binge-eating issues have been aggressive in these past few days. My skin is my biggest issue though, as it has always been. But I think I'm done venting about that for now.
In my last post, I had a few things I wanted to touch upon but I think I'll just go through one or two of the bullet points. Some of the topics had been pretty hard on my mind last week and now I'm past it but I'll try to conjure up the same feelings as I write about it.
So, the other person in the friend group (or community of young professionals who work at Harris and party together) who committed sexual assault is a guy I actually was considering to be a good friend. I'm going to call him The Brazilian. He is the same guy whose going-away party I had just gone to. The Brazilian is a huge party-er and he always matched my energy when we would go out together. It had gotten to the point where he would invite me personally to go out with him and his little friend group. I thought I was going to miss him dearly but after hearing about what he did to a girl that I was getting close to, I have had to think otherwise. For some reason, I can't remember all the details of the situation that she told me. But what I remember most, which also disgusted me the most, was that he coerced her into having sex with him while they were drunk and pretended to use a condom when she had insisted that he use one.
I felt even worst about the situation because I felt like the signs that The Brazilian was gross had always been there. He was a huge flirt, and came home with a new girl every night he went out. It would be miraculous if he was clean with the amount of women he has probably had sex with. When I first met him a year ago, I thought he was so good-looking. He was tan, with abs, and piercing green eyes. As I got to know him, I realized how goofy-looking he actually was. His ears stuck out and he was beginning to look aged. He was approaching 30, after all. Luckily, I never thought of him as more than anything but a friend. But there was one night I spent with him where I started feeling suspicious of him.
I don't remember all the details of the night, nor do I think I feel like remembering all of them. I went out and ended up going back to The Brazilian's place with a girl friend of his from college, and a couple we had met out that night. We drank more, started dancing on top of the furniture, and acting up. The Brazilian had this great idea of staying up to watch the sunset. At some point in the night, the couple had left (the girl got jealous that her man was getting flirty with The Brazilian's girl friend and stormed out). And I was getting way too tired. The Brazilian started kissing up on the girl from his college days, and I felt like I was third-wheeling. I tried to call an Uber home several times in the night and he snatched my phone away. He kept insisting that I drink more even though I kept refusing.
It was weird because of course, I could've just left. But the people-pleaser in me felt awful about leaving. I ended up falling asleep in his guest room and using an almost-dead phone to call myself an Uber home in the morning. I felt off about it but I also took blame for a lot of it. I had heard of weirder situations with The Brazilian from my other friends. There had been one night where The Brazilian and the two of them had been smoking and doing other recreational drugs and it seemed like things were turning into a threesome. Somehow, it didn't happen but it was turning that way. If he had his way, The Brazilian would fuck his way through the entire company.
But it seems that the universe is doing the job of taking the terrible men out of my life as The Brazilian is gone as of last weekend and the guyfriend will be too by the end of this month. Otherwise, I'm not sure how I would've had to navigate life knowing these terrible things about men that think I'm cool with them when I'm really not.
In better guy news, I feel like me and the Old Crush are in a better place now. I let him pick me up to go to The Ginger's house where we were all going to share an Uber to go to the The Brazilian's place for his going-away party. When I got into his car, our banter felt so easy and comfortable. I don't feel this way with just anyone. I said this before but we really would be best friends if it weren't for the history and my awkwardness about the whole ordeal. I wish I had been a lot cooler about it but alas, I am just a mound of flesh and hormones. I don't really have much to say about this. I still get a tinge in my heart when I think or hear of him and I don't think that will go away. But I feel better about my healing and in this moment, at 10PM at night, I feel optimistic that I will find someone of my own who won't make me feel crazy about being obsessed with them.
I am struggling right now though. I was exhausted after work and had been ready to sleep at 9PM. I woke up only thirty minutes later and terrible thoughts went through my mind about death. I think about death all the time these days. I think I've mentioned that before. But tonight, it felt a little more painful, more pertinent and horrifying to imagine death. I thought about poor Ronet. I thought about the void. What does it feel like to be nowhere? It is just too terrifying to really think about and I cried a little bit. I ended up coming here to finish this post because stupid things like boys are a lot easier to think about than all of that. It's crazy to think that I know nothing else but this reality and one day, I won't have it and I'll never know what the next realm is until I get there.
It is really hard to contextualize this kind of shit without sounding too woo-woo and without getting depressed. I just want to sleep. Good night.
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