I'm currently writing a post about my time when my friends visited me. But I don't feel like finishing it right now. I came home and took a nap so now I can't sleep and I'm afraid of laying in my bed with racing thoughts so I want to regurgitate them in typed words. There's a lot of controversial topics I want to bring up.
First, I want to say that time is truly the best healer. I'm feeling better and better about the Jack situation everyday. I don't feel like I completely hate myself as I did before. And I'm just glad that I haven't had an emotional breakdown about this. I do think that I'm a bit neurotic and I really wish I still didn't have thoughts about him. In fact, I still feel a tinge in my heart when his name is mentioned (his name was mentioned a couple of times this weekend). But I'm truly stronger than I thought. I'm mostly glad that I haven't really had to see him and I would be fine with never seeing him again. With that statement, it's clear I'm not totally healed. But I can admit that, right?
Now that that has been addressed, let me tell you something that has been consuming my mind. I watched "Leaving Neverland" last week. I got a free trial of HBO and everything because the media attention on the documentary was too much. Since I watched it, it's been wreaking havoc to my thoughts. "Surviving R. Kelly" rattled my mind too but I didn't feel so much liability after watching the documentary. I felt removed from the situation because I was too young to understand when the rape allegations began and while I like a few of R. Kelly's songs and have good memories attached to them, I was never attached to him as an artist. The situation regarding him is more cut-and-dry. The evidence is too great.
Michael Jackson, however, means so much more to me than R. Kelly. I genuinely love his music. I was obsessed with him as a person. I loved watching everything that had to do with him and I was pained when when he died. My siblings share a similar love for Michael Jackson as an artist. They re-watched the Jackson's miniseries dozens of times and could copy the dances. I am so attached to Michael Jackson in so many ways.
And after watching the documentary, I am inclined to believe he raped those kids.
So what do I do now?
***It's been several weeks since I've watch the documentary and since I began this post. I listen to MJ's music like I don't know he's a pedophile... Shame on me... ***
But what the ordeal has taught me is to never put a human being on a pedestal. I think it is fine to take inspiration from people who have done great things. I think it is ok to respect and appreciate the contributions that one has made to society. But because every human is a human, for lack of better words, we all are troubled in one way or another and we need to stop minimizing the shitty things that celebrities do because they're celebrities. The parents of the kids in the documentary were senseless in the face of a superstar-- allowing a grown-ass man like him to sleep with and hang around alone with their children. There is no other scenario in which that would make sense to anyone, yet we reasoned that it was somehow okay.
I'll leave my thoughts on this here as is because I don't really have anything else meaningful to say right now. I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts and frankly, I'm over it. I feel terribly sorry for anyone who has been a victim of child abuse. Even if the allegations are not true, I learned how easily heinous acts could happen right underneath our noses. And I learned to watch out for my blind spots.
So on to the next topic...
I have a friend who is in a friends with benefits relationship with a guy. I may have talked about this before. It feels like I have because every time this friend likes a guy, she gets obsessive and can't stop talking about him. I've definitely gotten annoyed enough in these instances to talk about it on this blog. I'm sure I would have mentioned this particular guy by now since they've been together for such a long time. Her newest guy is far more serious than any guy she's liked before. So for the past 8 months, since the beginning of the first signs of serious attractions, I haven't heard the last of it. I guess it's rightfully so as she's been in emotional turmoil since July because -- to put it simply -- she's attached to a guy that doesn't like her back in the same way. She may tell you differently. That there's been periods of times where things were good but from an outsider's perspective, it seems like there really wasn't an entire week where she hasn't cried for / about this dude. So in as much as I (and most other friends) believe that he doesn't like her like that, he continues to fuck with her (both literally and metaphorically). It's a tale as old as time. What's better yet? She's not going to do anything about it. It's frustrating for all of us that have to comfort her after he does something to make her feel insecure once again but know that anything we say is useless because she's still going to continue messing with him.
What sucks the most is this man doesn't even seem to have respect for her. It's already shitty for a guy to continue a situationship with a girl knowing he does not reciprocate the feelings she has. But this guy is shitty all around for other reasons. I'd understand if my friend was falling for a guy who was absolutely perfect for her in every other way. But this man is trash to her -- ok, not completely trash in relation to other fucked up relationships-- but it really sucks to see her fall for someone who does not even match up to her worth. He criticizes her for the littlest things. Things he wouldn't criticize other people for. He sees her as naive and immature. He lectures her profusely. He's very hypocritcal. Admittedly, he's not a totally bad guy. I always thought he was fun and extremely nice. He always had an ego issue but it was never really a problem because I wasn't fucking him. But it's not ok anymore because this shit is borderline abusive when you're talking about someone you potentially want to be in a relationship with.
Anyway, to put it all concisely, it's been eight months of her emotional distress and it seems like things are finally coming to a close. Perhaps, I'm prematurely celebrating this. She only just message me that she feels like he wants to break up because he's been saying cryptic things about having to make a decision and not making it. Is it bad of me to hope that he means that he wants to break it off with her? This all was going to burn down in flames or fizzle out anyway. I'm perhaps being selfish because I don't want to hear the same things every week about how he said this and did that while she's recounting all this in tears.
If this guy doesn't do anything, no one will. The situationship is all on his terms. He's the one that doesn't want to be defined. She does. In her choosing to stay in a FWB situation where she isn't getting everything she wants in this contract while he is, she's most definitely letting him use her. I don't care if he sort of likes her. I don't care if he really likes her but prior trauma is holding him back from expressing these feelings. If he can't say that he ever wants to be official with you, what are you wasting your tears for? You can never convince a guy to like you!!!
And so I want the guy to rip the band-aid off. Break up with her and take us ALL out of our misery. I'd rather help her heal than offer the same meaningless words to her when she spews the same shit about him.
If I had to be honest though, from what she's telling me, I don't really think that he is talking about breaking up with her just because I wouldn't say shit like, "I need to make a decision" and be ambiguous about it toward the person I need to make a decision about. I would only speak up when I'm ready to have that conversation because why have that person worry before they need to worry? But knowing how he is, he probably would do something like this.
Signing off!
First, I want to say that time is truly the best healer. I'm feeling better and better about the Jack situation everyday. I don't feel like I completely hate myself as I did before. And I'm just glad that I haven't had an emotional breakdown about this. I do think that I'm a bit neurotic and I really wish I still didn't have thoughts about him. In fact, I still feel a tinge in my heart when his name is mentioned (his name was mentioned a couple of times this weekend). But I'm truly stronger than I thought. I'm mostly glad that I haven't really had to see him and I would be fine with never seeing him again. With that statement, it's clear I'm not totally healed. But I can admit that, right?
Now that that has been addressed, let me tell you something that has been consuming my mind. I watched "Leaving Neverland" last week. I got a free trial of HBO and everything because the media attention on the documentary was too much. Since I watched it, it's been wreaking havoc to my thoughts. "Surviving R. Kelly" rattled my mind too but I didn't feel so much liability after watching the documentary. I felt removed from the situation because I was too young to understand when the rape allegations began and while I like a few of R. Kelly's songs and have good memories attached to them, I was never attached to him as an artist. The situation regarding him is more cut-and-dry. The evidence is too great.
Michael Jackson, however, means so much more to me than R. Kelly. I genuinely love his music. I was obsessed with him as a person. I loved watching everything that had to do with him and I was pained when when he died. My siblings share a similar love for Michael Jackson as an artist. They re-watched the Jackson's miniseries dozens of times and could copy the dances. I am so attached to Michael Jackson in so many ways.
And after watching the documentary, I am inclined to believe he raped those kids.
So what do I do now?
***It's been several weeks since I've watch the documentary and since I began this post. I listen to MJ's music like I don't know he's a pedophile... Shame on me... ***
But what the ordeal has taught me is to never put a human being on a pedestal. I think it is fine to take inspiration from people who have done great things. I think it is ok to respect and appreciate the contributions that one has made to society. But because every human is a human, for lack of better words, we all are troubled in one way or another and we need to stop minimizing the shitty things that celebrities do because they're celebrities. The parents of the kids in the documentary were senseless in the face of a superstar-- allowing a grown-ass man like him to sleep with and hang around alone with their children. There is no other scenario in which that would make sense to anyone, yet we reasoned that it was somehow okay.
I'll leave my thoughts on this here as is because I don't really have anything else meaningful to say right now. I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts and frankly, I'm over it. I feel terribly sorry for anyone who has been a victim of child abuse. Even if the allegations are not true, I learned how easily heinous acts could happen right underneath our noses. And I learned to watch out for my blind spots.
So on to the next topic...
I have a friend who is in a friends with benefits relationship with a guy. I may have talked about this before. It feels like I have because every time this friend likes a guy, she gets obsessive and can't stop talking about him. I've definitely gotten annoyed enough in these instances to talk about it on this blog. I'm sure I would have mentioned this particular guy by now since they've been together for such a long time. Her newest guy is far more serious than any guy she's liked before. So for the past 8 months, since the beginning of the first signs of serious attractions, I haven't heard the last of it. I guess it's rightfully so as she's been in emotional turmoil since July because -- to put it simply -- she's attached to a guy that doesn't like her back in the same way. She may tell you differently. That there's been periods of times where things were good but from an outsider's perspective, it seems like there really wasn't an entire week where she hasn't cried for / about this dude. So in as much as I (and most other friends) believe that he doesn't like her like that, he continues to fuck with her (both literally and metaphorically). It's a tale as old as time. What's better yet? She's not going to do anything about it. It's frustrating for all of us that have to comfort her after he does something to make her feel insecure once again but know that anything we say is useless because she's still going to continue messing with him.
What sucks the most is this man doesn't even seem to have respect for her. It's already shitty for a guy to continue a situationship with a girl knowing he does not reciprocate the feelings she has. But this guy is shitty all around for other reasons. I'd understand if my friend was falling for a guy who was absolutely perfect for her in every other way. But this man is trash to her -- ok, not completely trash in relation to other fucked up relationships-- but it really sucks to see her fall for someone who does not even match up to her worth. He criticizes her for the littlest things. Things he wouldn't criticize other people for. He sees her as naive and immature. He lectures her profusely. He's very hypocritcal. Admittedly, he's not a totally bad guy. I always thought he was fun and extremely nice. He always had an ego issue but it was never really a problem because I wasn't fucking him. But it's not ok anymore because this shit is borderline abusive when you're talking about someone you potentially want to be in a relationship with.
Anyway, to put it all concisely, it's been eight months of her emotional distress and it seems like things are finally coming to a close. Perhaps, I'm prematurely celebrating this. She only just message me that she feels like he wants to break up because he's been saying cryptic things about having to make a decision and not making it. Is it bad of me to hope that he means that he wants to break it off with her? This all was going to burn down in flames or fizzle out anyway. I'm perhaps being selfish because I don't want to hear the same things every week about how he said this and did that while she's recounting all this in tears.
If this guy doesn't do anything, no one will. The situationship is all on his terms. He's the one that doesn't want to be defined. She does. In her choosing to stay in a FWB situation where she isn't getting everything she wants in this contract while he is, she's most definitely letting him use her. I don't care if he sort of likes her. I don't care if he really likes her but prior trauma is holding him back from expressing these feelings. If he can't say that he ever wants to be official with you, what are you wasting your tears for? You can never convince a guy to like you!!!
And so I want the guy to rip the band-aid off. Break up with her and take us ALL out of our misery. I'd rather help her heal than offer the same meaningless words to her when she spews the same shit about him.
If I had to be honest though, from what she's telling me, I don't really think that he is talking about breaking up with her just because I wouldn't say shit like, "I need to make a decision" and be ambiguous about it toward the person I need to make a decision about. I would only speak up when I'm ready to have that conversation because why have that person worry before they need to worry? But knowing how he is, he probably would do something like this.
Signing off!
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