I decided I should blog again. I'm at an apex in my life that I can't describe. Not in an eloquent way, at least. I am accountable, empowered with money and independence, but humbled by reputation and a constant awareness of my mortality. What do I want to do with all this power? Who is going to make me do it? And why is my own accountability not enough? Why am I so tired all the time? Why can't I ever accomplish the goals I set for myself?
I am disgusted with myself and I don't know what to do about it. And it sucks that I can't blame anyone or anything else but myself.
I forgot to call my friend this weekend even though I told her I would. I sort of forgot. But there were pockets in my day where I could've called her. Like, right now, I'm sure she's awake. But but BUT, I'm tired. Not tired enough to write this blog but too tired to talk to someone right now. See? There's always an excuse but never a good enough one.
Anyway, I don't want to make this blog too long, although I have a lot that I could talk about. I am genuinely pretty tired right now because I went to bed late after a night of drinking and woke up earlier than I probably should have. I decided to go to a yoga class at an LA Fitness 20 minutes away from me because I know that class is a liiittle more difficult than the one at the gym near me. Yeah, I have a membership there now and I've gotten myself a personal trainer for six months. She's very pretty with long, wavy hair and the perfect, effeminate body. I've been struggling to eat little and do her prescribed workouts and I feel like I've only grown manlier arms but my body fat has persisted. It almost seems impossible that I would ever get that flat stomach that I so much desire. But at this point, I can't completely give up now.
The yoga classes are easy. I'm usually one of the youngest people in the class and the instructors definitely cater to the older folk. I also want to mention that I'm usually the only black person too. It's a lot of stretching and breathing and it feels wonderful but not always what I want out of a class. The only hard part of the class today was the movement from the downward dog to one-legged dog position. I don't know why but I get really hot, which makes me sweaty and then my palms begin slipping from the mat, and the struggle to maintain the positions get me even more heated, makes me skin and scalp start to itch. And then it's over for me.
Before the class began, I set my stuff down in the class room and headed to the bathrooms. When I almost reached there, I saw Pedro, a guy that asked me on a casual date once after we made out in a car. I didn't expect to see him at all because I was very aware of where he normally worked out. I was never that into him even though he was a good looking guy. When I stand next to him, I feel like he's barely an inch taller than me, if even. But more importantly, I always felt that our humor didn't mesh very well at all. Perhaps, if he was just a few or more inches taller, I would have put that aside and at least pursued a casual thing with him because like I said, he's attractive and has really nice muscles. He's just sooo short and our mismatched personalities did not help his case at all.
We talked about amino acids for a second and I had to disrupt him to go to the bathroom and to make it back to class in time. I'm honestly considering hitting him up to do stuff that we used to talk about doing together. Like seeing live shows and he said he'd teach me how to play guitar. I just don't want him to think that me asking him to do stuff means anything more than that. But I'm only considering...
I had planned a more fulfilling day today and I didn't really accomplish much. I got lunch at a cafe near the beach. I was planning on eating and enjoying a book but a family with two small kids sat next to me. They weren't annoying in any respect, but I isolated myself for a reason and they were being too loud for my liking as I was trying to get far in a book. Also, I was on that post-yoga cloud high and I didn't want anything to disturb that feeling. I only had one hour on the parking meter. My the time the family left, there wasn't much time for me to read much more so I went home and slept.
I got food with Taylor at Red Robin's even though I had planned on eating a healthier dinner at a sushi place. We went to the grocery store together and then I made a quick "meal-prepped" dinner for the week. Now I'm here. Ideally, I would have did a few more things around my apartment, like hang up this painting that's been sitting in my living room for like a month now after it had mysteriously fallen while I was away. I wanted to finally sit down at the piano to practice a song. I also needed to sort through some veeery old mail. I didn't do any of that.
I wanted to talk about someone in this post because he's been on my mind lately, especially this weekend. There's this guy Lucas that I met months ago at this water park event that my company's young professionals group hosted. To me, he was the fun, outgoing guy with abs and sunglasses. He wore the sunglasses almost the entire time we spent with him so he became "the guy with the abs". Finally, he approached Taylor later in the evening without them and she said that she didn't even recognize him. I actually think I probably may have seen him at young professionals events before but he's the kind of guy that could put on a shirt and blend in with the crowd. The fact of the matter is that he's just really hot with no shirt on and that's the only thing you notice about him.
He also has mesmerizing green eyes and speaks Portuguese. I find him pretty attractive among the sea of average, nerdy men that I normally socialize with. He doesn't really have a great sense of style, which has always been important to me, but 99% of the engineers here don't so I guess I've learned to see past that. Although I've always found him appealing, it was very clear from the beginning that he was very into Taylor. He immediately found her and added her on Facebook after the water park day. I was a bit salty about that but I was still rooting for her to get with him because I genuinely liked his personality. We didn't hang with him much after that but the few times we did, he was always fun but it was always obvious to me that he was into my friend. He got her phone number at the next event we were at together, which I think was a birthday party. Then Lucas and I were at a housewarming party together that Taylor couldn't make and he blew up her phone to try and get her to come join us. At that point, I was really laissez-faire about the whole situation. He was always accommodating to me and I never felt like I was nothing to him simply because he was into my friend, which happens when guys don't have any interest in you. I didn't have a crush on him, and really, never thought much of him. He went from "abs guy" to "abs guy that has a thing for Taylor".
Things started to change for me the weekend of Brandon's birthday party which was about two or three weeks ago now (I don't feel like fact checking and my perception of time is so distorted these days). The party was being held at Lucas's house and Lucas, of course, personally invited Taylor. I got a Facebook invite from Alex, Brandon's friend. I went there expecting that he would try and make a more suggestive move on her, considering his bedroom was right there. Instead, his roommate, Nick, takes interest in Taylor and chats her up for the rest of the night, ending in a make-out session in their laundry room. The whole situation had me dumbstruck. Maybe Lucas never told Nick that he had a thing for Taylor. They talked for so long that he probably gave up on trying. I saw him, instead, with a skinny, brunette white girl and assumed that was someone he was currently talking to. But I didn't understand why he'd personally invite Taylor, just to flirt with someone else in her presence. I later found out that the random white girl was a friend of Nick's that he had invited to the party with the intention of fucking and abandoned her for Taylor. And when I think back to the night, I realize that Lucas had been treating her the same way that he had been treating me that night. Friendly and playful, like he normally is.
The weekend after that was a Lucas-filled weekend. On Friday, Taylor and I went to a wine and cheese night that we weren't invited to and went downtown with some people that had also been at the shindig. We met Lucas and Nick there and eventually ended up at Hurricane Creek, this country bar. Taylor and Nick were really hitting it off. At some point, Lucas tries to make us all dance and he's very adamant about dancing with me. I figure he's just being playful and trying to get me away from Taylor so that she and Nick can have their moment. Lucas and I don't really dance for long, in fact he just spins me around before we're interrupted by a crowd beginning to line dance. I fail epic-ally. I simply don't get line dancing to country music, I guess. But that was the last of my interactions that night because he starts talking to any pretty girl that he lays his eyes on. That was the first time since I first met him that I wanted to be on of the pretty girls that he gave his attention to. I don't see him again for the rest of the night because he starts talking to someone and the rest of the group goes to a different bar.
The next night, on Saturday, I joined Taylor and Beth at a fundraising event that her coworker's wife's family was hosting at a bar downtown. Brandon, Lucas, and their friends join us at the same bar later in celebration of one of their guyfriend's birthdays (the birthday boy is an interesting topic but not relevant to this [particular story so I'm going to leave him out of it). Beth, Taylor, and I are sitting outside at the front with the coworkers and just chatting it up. Since we're sort of hidden in plain sight, the group walks past us, not seeing us, except for Lucas. He comes up to us and says hi to the rest of the group but somehow, we begin a separate conversation of our own. We talked about driving and how we both hate it, dog allergies and how we both have them, and his ex-wife. Yep, he's a new divorcee. It was funny that he brought his ex up to me because for the week prior to that moment, I had been speculating with a few people about his previous relationship and what it was all about. And here he was, opening up to me, and we weren't even that close. Although we went pretty deep in that short conversation of ours, he was acting extremely playful, more so than he normally does. At one point, he asks me where I live so he can pin it on Google. We had been talking about how much we hate driving and how we should pool money for the both of us to hire and share a driver. All jokes. But I guess he asked for my address to see how far away I was from him? For some reason, I don't give him my address, but I can't exactly remember why.
Now the wheels in my head were spinning. I think that was the first time I really considered Lucas as more than just someone who was cute. I don't have a crush on him in any respect. He's just too much of a flirt for me and he's always "on". I feel like I don't know him. But I feel like my attraction to him is deepening because I feel like I somewhat have a chance now. I love this perceived validation I get from a hot man showing me attention to me as fleeting as it is. This entire time, I thought his type was thin, pretty white women with long light-colored hair. But I guess his roster includes women like me too, even if I may be at the bottom of it. Once again, we didn't talk much after that because again, he started talking it up with every other attractive woman in Melbourne that night.
This weekend, he messaged me on Facebook Messenger about a pregame he was throwing. And later, at the pregame, he asked for my phone number. I put more meaning into it at the time but now, I've fallen back because he invited a college "friend" to this pregame and it was abundantly clear that they were more than just friends. Towards the end of the night, they "snuck" kisses and hugs at each other. The weirdest part was that almost everyone at the pre-game were people that Lucas had made advances toward at one time or another. I don't count myself here and then there was this other Brazilian girl at the pregame who was gorgeous and I would've found it hard to believe that he didn't try something with her unless she had a boyfriend. But as I don't know her and Lucas's relationship, I have no idea. That left college "friend", Tyler and Zoe (who he almost had a threesome with), and Taylor, who he unquestionably tried to make moves on. It was weird to me that he'd invite all these people just to flaunt his newfound girlfriend, or whatever he'd describe that as.
So, if I don't have a crush on Lucas, why does any of this matter?
Well, because I now want to fuck Lucas and I am slowly convincing myself that the only thing that separates me from his is the right timing. I sincerely don't believe that his college "friend" is anything more than a weekend fuck with a few old feelings attached. He's the kind of guy that's "for everyone" and I just want to be able to say I've gotten a piece. It's really a desert out here and I haven't been intimate with another person since I was in Europe. It's due time for another one.
I am disgusted with myself and I don't know what to do about it. And it sucks that I can't blame anyone or anything else but myself.
I forgot to call my friend this weekend even though I told her I would. I sort of forgot. But there were pockets in my day where I could've called her. Like, right now, I'm sure she's awake. But but BUT, I'm tired. Not tired enough to write this blog but too tired to talk to someone right now. See? There's always an excuse but never a good enough one.
Anyway, I don't want to make this blog too long, although I have a lot that I could talk about. I am genuinely pretty tired right now because I went to bed late after a night of drinking and woke up earlier than I probably should have. I decided to go to a yoga class at an LA Fitness 20 minutes away from me because I know that class is a liiittle more difficult than the one at the gym near me. Yeah, I have a membership there now and I've gotten myself a personal trainer for six months. She's very pretty with long, wavy hair and the perfect, effeminate body. I've been struggling to eat little and do her prescribed workouts and I feel like I've only grown manlier arms but my body fat has persisted. It almost seems impossible that I would ever get that flat stomach that I so much desire. But at this point, I can't completely give up now.
The yoga classes are easy. I'm usually one of the youngest people in the class and the instructors definitely cater to the older folk. I also want to mention that I'm usually the only black person too. It's a lot of stretching and breathing and it feels wonderful but not always what I want out of a class. The only hard part of the class today was the movement from the downward dog to one-legged dog position. I don't know why but I get really hot, which makes me sweaty and then my palms begin slipping from the mat, and the struggle to maintain the positions get me even more heated, makes me skin and scalp start to itch. And then it's over for me.
Before the class began, I set my stuff down in the class room and headed to the bathrooms. When I almost reached there, I saw Pedro, a guy that asked me on a casual date once after we made out in a car. I didn't expect to see him at all because I was very aware of where he normally worked out. I was never that into him even though he was a good looking guy. When I stand next to him, I feel like he's barely an inch taller than me, if even. But more importantly, I always felt that our humor didn't mesh very well at all. Perhaps, if he was just a few or more inches taller, I would have put that aside and at least pursued a casual thing with him because like I said, he's attractive and has really nice muscles. He's just sooo short and our mismatched personalities did not help his case at all.
We talked about amino acids for a second and I had to disrupt him to go to the bathroom and to make it back to class in time. I'm honestly considering hitting him up to do stuff that we used to talk about doing together. Like seeing live shows and he said he'd teach me how to play guitar. I just don't want him to think that me asking him to do stuff means anything more than that. But I'm only considering...
I had planned a more fulfilling day today and I didn't really accomplish much. I got lunch at a cafe near the beach. I was planning on eating and enjoying a book but a family with two small kids sat next to me. They weren't annoying in any respect, but I isolated myself for a reason and they were being too loud for my liking as I was trying to get far in a book. Also, I was on that post-yoga cloud high and I didn't want anything to disturb that feeling. I only had one hour on the parking meter. My the time the family left, there wasn't much time for me to read much more so I went home and slept.
I got food with Taylor at Red Robin's even though I had planned on eating a healthier dinner at a sushi place. We went to the grocery store together and then I made a quick "meal-prepped" dinner for the week. Now I'm here. Ideally, I would have did a few more things around my apartment, like hang up this painting that's been sitting in my living room for like a month now after it had mysteriously fallen while I was away. I wanted to finally sit down at the piano to practice a song. I also needed to sort through some veeery old mail. I didn't do any of that.
I wanted to talk about someone in this post because he's been on my mind lately, especially this weekend. There's this guy Lucas that I met months ago at this water park event that my company's young professionals group hosted. To me, he was the fun, outgoing guy with abs and sunglasses. He wore the sunglasses almost the entire time we spent with him so he became "the guy with the abs". Finally, he approached Taylor later in the evening without them and she said that she didn't even recognize him. I actually think I probably may have seen him at young professionals events before but he's the kind of guy that could put on a shirt and blend in with the crowd. The fact of the matter is that he's just really hot with no shirt on and that's the only thing you notice about him.
He also has mesmerizing green eyes and speaks Portuguese. I find him pretty attractive among the sea of average, nerdy men that I normally socialize with. He doesn't really have a great sense of style, which has always been important to me, but 99% of the engineers here don't so I guess I've learned to see past that. Although I've always found him appealing, it was very clear from the beginning that he was very into Taylor. He immediately found her and added her on Facebook after the water park day. I was a bit salty about that but I was still rooting for her to get with him because I genuinely liked his personality. We didn't hang with him much after that but the few times we did, he was always fun but it was always obvious to me that he was into my friend. He got her phone number at the next event we were at together, which I think was a birthday party. Then Lucas and I were at a housewarming party together that Taylor couldn't make and he blew up her phone to try and get her to come join us. At that point, I was really laissez-faire about the whole situation. He was always accommodating to me and I never felt like I was nothing to him simply because he was into my friend, which happens when guys don't have any interest in you. I didn't have a crush on him, and really, never thought much of him. He went from "abs guy" to "abs guy that has a thing for Taylor".
Things started to change for me the weekend of Brandon's birthday party which was about two or three weeks ago now (I don't feel like fact checking and my perception of time is so distorted these days). The party was being held at Lucas's house and Lucas, of course, personally invited Taylor. I got a Facebook invite from Alex, Brandon's friend. I went there expecting that he would try and make a more suggestive move on her, considering his bedroom was right there. Instead, his roommate, Nick, takes interest in Taylor and chats her up for the rest of the night, ending in a make-out session in their laundry room. The whole situation had me dumbstruck. Maybe Lucas never told Nick that he had a thing for Taylor. They talked for so long that he probably gave up on trying. I saw him, instead, with a skinny, brunette white girl and assumed that was someone he was currently talking to. But I didn't understand why he'd personally invite Taylor, just to flirt with someone else in her presence. I later found out that the random white girl was a friend of Nick's that he had invited to the party with the intention of fucking and abandoned her for Taylor. And when I think back to the night, I realize that Lucas had been treating her the same way that he had been treating me that night. Friendly and playful, like he normally is.
The weekend after that was a Lucas-filled weekend. On Friday, Taylor and I went to a wine and cheese night that we weren't invited to and went downtown with some people that had also been at the shindig. We met Lucas and Nick there and eventually ended up at Hurricane Creek, this country bar. Taylor and Nick were really hitting it off. At some point, Lucas tries to make us all dance and he's very adamant about dancing with me. I figure he's just being playful and trying to get me away from Taylor so that she and Nick can have their moment. Lucas and I don't really dance for long, in fact he just spins me around before we're interrupted by a crowd beginning to line dance. I fail epic-ally. I simply don't get line dancing to country music, I guess. But that was the last of my interactions that night because he starts talking to any pretty girl that he lays his eyes on. That was the first time since I first met him that I wanted to be on of the pretty girls that he gave his attention to. I don't see him again for the rest of the night because he starts talking to someone and the rest of the group goes to a different bar.
The next night, on Saturday, I joined Taylor and Beth at a fundraising event that her coworker's wife's family was hosting at a bar downtown. Brandon, Lucas, and their friends join us at the same bar later in celebration of one of their guyfriend's birthdays (the birthday boy is an interesting topic but not relevant to this [particular story so I'm going to leave him out of it). Beth, Taylor, and I are sitting outside at the front with the coworkers and just chatting it up. Since we're sort of hidden in plain sight, the group walks past us, not seeing us, except for Lucas. He comes up to us and says hi to the rest of the group but somehow, we begin a separate conversation of our own. We talked about driving and how we both hate it, dog allergies and how we both have them, and his ex-wife. Yep, he's a new divorcee. It was funny that he brought his ex up to me because for the week prior to that moment, I had been speculating with a few people about his previous relationship and what it was all about. And here he was, opening up to me, and we weren't even that close. Although we went pretty deep in that short conversation of ours, he was acting extremely playful, more so than he normally does. At one point, he asks me where I live so he can pin it on Google. We had been talking about how much we hate driving and how we should pool money for the both of us to hire and share a driver. All jokes. But I guess he asked for my address to see how far away I was from him? For some reason, I don't give him my address, but I can't exactly remember why.
Now the wheels in my head were spinning. I think that was the first time I really considered Lucas as more than just someone who was cute. I don't have a crush on him in any respect. He's just too much of a flirt for me and he's always "on". I feel like I don't know him. But I feel like my attraction to him is deepening because I feel like I somewhat have a chance now. I love this perceived validation I get from a hot man showing me attention to me as fleeting as it is. This entire time, I thought his type was thin, pretty white women with long light-colored hair. But I guess his roster includes women like me too, even if I may be at the bottom of it. Once again, we didn't talk much after that because again, he started talking it up with every other attractive woman in Melbourne that night.
This weekend, he messaged me on Facebook Messenger about a pregame he was throwing. And later, at the pregame, he asked for my phone number. I put more meaning into it at the time but now, I've fallen back because he invited a college "friend" to this pregame and it was abundantly clear that they were more than just friends. Towards the end of the night, they "snuck" kisses and hugs at each other. The weirdest part was that almost everyone at the pre-game were people that Lucas had made advances toward at one time or another. I don't count myself here and then there was this other Brazilian girl at the pregame who was gorgeous and I would've found it hard to believe that he didn't try something with her unless she had a boyfriend. But as I don't know her and Lucas's relationship, I have no idea. That left college "friend", Tyler and Zoe (who he almost had a threesome with), and Taylor, who he unquestionably tried to make moves on. It was weird to me that he'd invite all these people just to flaunt his newfound girlfriend, or whatever he'd describe that as.
So, if I don't have a crush on Lucas, why does any of this matter?
Well, because I now want to fuck Lucas and I am slowly convincing myself that the only thing that separates me from his is the right timing. I sincerely don't believe that his college "friend" is anything more than a weekend fuck with a few old feelings attached. He's the kind of guy that's "for everyone" and I just want to be able to say I've gotten a piece. It's really a desert out here and I haven't been intimate with another person since I was in Europe. It's due time for another one.
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