So what do you know? I feel a little better. Microscopically better. Instead of thinking about my hurt every second of the day, I probably dwell on it for only 30-40 minutes in an hour. I call it progress. I will say that looking at the mirror not too long ago was distressing. I never realized how badly built I was. Narrow hips. No waist. A blocky stomach. And droopy boobs.
Even if I lose weight, I'd still be left with narrow hips, no waist, a smaller blocky stomach, and smaller, droopy boobs. How awesome.
Little things have lifted my mood. Yesterday, I went bathing suit shopping at the mall. I was trying one at Hollister and the employee that helped me was without a doubt flirting with me. He was very cute. Had that Indian/Black Caribbean look. He was definitely close to my age but I suspect he may have been younger. Only problem was that I don't even think he was doing this flirty shit he was doing intentionally as if I was anyone special. He's the type of guy that knows he's cute. Kept eye contact for way too long. And smiled lingeringly and prettily. And I bet he pulls this shit with all the damn girls that walk into that store. I almost know it. Yet, it still made me feel a little better when I was feeling totally miserable that entire day.
I thank you Hollister guy.
But you know what really made my day today? I got a message from Everett about this cruise a bunch of Harris people are going to. Actually, I think I've been texting him since the day before and he's responded back to each and every message almost promptly. We didn't talk about anything deep. Just the details about the cruise and our night out last weekend. Then later, he invited me to karaoke on Thursday. Both initial messages from him were most likely mass messages but I don't care. I really basked in the fact that a cute guy was actually responding back to me and not playing texting games. Seriously, I was blown away by the fact that a good-looking guy actually knew how to text. I don't know any other guy (cute or not) that knows how to text properly (not that I can either). But that didn't stop me from playing my own texting games. I took about two hours to respond back to him at one point because I didn't want him to think I don't do shit at work but look at my phone. Is that exactly what I do at work? Yes. But he didn't need to know that.
Anyway, while I was at my desk, being all giddy about this, I kept telling myself that I was playing myself getting all hyped up over a guy that would never like me and never be attracted to me. As I sit here in my bedroom, with the lights off, it's easier to internalize.
I've spoken about how there's this curse I suffer where any time I talk about a guy I'm interested in on my blog, things almost immediately go south with him. Now I know that it's not a curse but a matter of the fact that I'm actually ugly. So since I don't really see a real future with Everett, I will proceed to talk about him in the way that I want.
Veering away from Everett, the security guard at Dillard's complimented my smile profusely. That was sweet of him even though the last thing I wanted to be doing was talking to anyone in that moment. People have always told me I've had a nice smile. Eventually, I got numb to the compliments about my smile. I don't even like my own smile so it doesn't mean as much to me when other people compliment it. But the security guard's compliment meant a significant amount to me in this time.
I hate saying that male attention has helped me see through the dark cloud over me. It really hasn't completely. My main issue is that I don't believe any guy that compliments me or gushes over my attractiveness. I don't think they know what they're seeing. Initially, they see what they want to see... the big butt, the boobs, the weave, the smile... And if they get to know me long enough, they'll eventually see the tummy, the acne, the crooked tooth, and the pervasive awkwardness I possess. I'm not actually beautiful. I'm a facade of beauty.
A friend of mine asked me if I asked Jack whether he was going to the cruise (I'm trying to round up my friends to go) and I didn't even know how to answer him. If I said "no", the obvious answer is that I should ask. I can't tell my friend to ask Jack himself because he doesn't know Jack. I "know" Jack. I don't even think this friend has Jack's number. I instead answered, "No not yet". But I intend on never asking him. I literally deleted the text conversation we had between each other. The last thing I want to do is go looking for his damn number again to "bother" him with another hang out. I don't even want to see him face-to-face for a long time. If I do, it would be to make-out with the cutest man ever to show him that I'm worth something even if he doesn't think so. It's immature thinking. But that's how I feel right now.
In more positive news, my friends are coming in tomorrow afternoon and I can't even contain myself. I'm so excited. I tried tidying up my apartment a little bit. I cleaned the tub, vacuumed, did laundry, and put some shit away. But I still have dishes to do and I still need to clear out my car's trunk. I'm planning on taking my friends to trivia night on Wednesday night, then we can go out for dinner on the river on Thursday. I want to take them to the karaoke night that I was invited to but I'm feeling weird about it because first, I'm sort of losing my voice and second, I already don't know how to sing and I don't want to screech in front of a bunch of people I barely know. I'm not exactly sure why I'm losing my voice by the way. At first, I thought it was because I screamed a lot this weekend trying to get people to hear me over the loud music in the bars. But at work today, I started feeling feverish out of nowhere.
I saw in this Space Coast young professionals group chat I'm in that there's a flu going around. It's so funny how I was thinking that I would never catch such an illness. Especially since it's essentially spring in Florida now. The flu is for winter and losers. I guess should've kept my thoughts humble.
I actually don't feel so bad right now. But we'll see.
On Friday, I have no exact plans but I'm guessing we're gonna go to the beach and kayaking. I'm not sure in what order. I'd prefer to do kayaking in the daytime because I don't wanna be sitting out on the beach charring in the hot afternoon sun. We might go out to downtown in the evening. Then on Saturday, we will be heading out to Orlando.
I pray to God this weekend is the best. It's coming so fast.
Even if I lose weight, I'd still be left with narrow hips, no waist, a smaller blocky stomach, and smaller, droopy boobs. How awesome.
Little things have lifted my mood. Yesterday, I went bathing suit shopping at the mall. I was trying one at Hollister and the employee that helped me was without a doubt flirting with me. He was very cute. Had that Indian/Black Caribbean look. He was definitely close to my age but I suspect he may have been younger. Only problem was that I don't even think he was doing this flirty shit he was doing intentionally as if I was anyone special. He's the type of guy that knows he's cute. Kept eye contact for way too long. And smiled lingeringly and prettily. And I bet he pulls this shit with all the damn girls that walk into that store. I almost know it. Yet, it still made me feel a little better when I was feeling totally miserable that entire day.
I thank you Hollister guy.
But you know what really made my day today? I got a message from Everett about this cruise a bunch of Harris people are going to. Actually, I think I've been texting him since the day before and he's responded back to each and every message almost promptly. We didn't talk about anything deep. Just the details about the cruise and our night out last weekend. Then later, he invited me to karaoke on Thursday. Both initial messages from him were most likely mass messages but I don't care. I really basked in the fact that a cute guy was actually responding back to me and not playing texting games. Seriously, I was blown away by the fact that a good-looking guy actually knew how to text. I don't know any other guy (cute or not) that knows how to text properly (not that I can either). But that didn't stop me from playing my own texting games. I took about two hours to respond back to him at one point because I didn't want him to think I don't do shit at work but look at my phone. Is that exactly what I do at work? Yes. But he didn't need to know that.
Anyway, while I was at my desk, being all giddy about this, I kept telling myself that I was playing myself getting all hyped up over a guy that would never like me and never be attracted to me. As I sit here in my bedroom, with the lights off, it's easier to internalize.
I've spoken about how there's this curse I suffer where any time I talk about a guy I'm interested in on my blog, things almost immediately go south with him. Now I know that it's not a curse but a matter of the fact that I'm actually ugly. So since I don't really see a real future with Everett, I will proceed to talk about him in the way that I want.
Veering away from Everett, the security guard at Dillard's complimented my smile profusely. That was sweet of him even though the last thing I wanted to be doing was talking to anyone in that moment. People have always told me I've had a nice smile. Eventually, I got numb to the compliments about my smile. I don't even like my own smile so it doesn't mean as much to me when other people compliment it. But the security guard's compliment meant a significant amount to me in this time.
I hate saying that male attention has helped me see through the dark cloud over me. It really hasn't completely. My main issue is that I don't believe any guy that compliments me or gushes over my attractiveness. I don't think they know what they're seeing. Initially, they see what they want to see... the big butt, the boobs, the weave, the smile... And if they get to know me long enough, they'll eventually see the tummy, the acne, the crooked tooth, and the pervasive awkwardness I possess. I'm not actually beautiful. I'm a facade of beauty.
A friend of mine asked me if I asked Jack whether he was going to the cruise (I'm trying to round up my friends to go) and I didn't even know how to answer him. If I said "no", the obvious answer is that I should ask. I can't tell my friend to ask Jack himself because he doesn't know Jack. I "know" Jack. I don't even think this friend has Jack's number. I instead answered, "No not yet". But I intend on never asking him. I literally deleted the text conversation we had between each other. The last thing I want to do is go looking for his damn number again to "bother" him with another hang out. I don't even want to see him face-to-face for a long time. If I do, it would be to make-out with the cutest man ever to show him that I'm worth something even if he doesn't think so. It's immature thinking. But that's how I feel right now.
In more positive news, my friends are coming in tomorrow afternoon and I can't even contain myself. I'm so excited. I tried tidying up my apartment a little bit. I cleaned the tub, vacuumed, did laundry, and put some shit away. But I still have dishes to do and I still need to clear out my car's trunk. I'm planning on taking my friends to trivia night on Wednesday night, then we can go out for dinner on the river on Thursday. I want to take them to the karaoke night that I was invited to but I'm feeling weird about it because first, I'm sort of losing my voice and second, I already don't know how to sing and I don't want to screech in front of a bunch of people I barely know. I'm not exactly sure why I'm losing my voice by the way. At first, I thought it was because I screamed a lot this weekend trying to get people to hear me over the loud music in the bars. But at work today, I started feeling feverish out of nowhere.
I saw in this Space Coast young professionals group chat I'm in that there's a flu going around. It's so funny how I was thinking that I would never catch such an illness. Especially since it's essentially spring in Florida now. The flu is for winter and losers. I guess should've kept my thoughts humble.
I actually don't feel so bad right now. But we'll see.
On Friday, I have no exact plans but I'm guessing we're gonna go to the beach and kayaking. I'm not sure in what order. I'd prefer to do kayaking in the daytime because I don't wanna be sitting out on the beach charring in the hot afternoon sun. We might go out to downtown in the evening. Then on Saturday, we will be heading out to Orlando.
I pray to God this weekend is the best. It's coming so fast.
Comments
Post a Comment