I began writing a post at the start of the new year and abandoned it for whatever reason. It was about my trip to Nigeria for my grandfather's burial. I still want to finish and post it but my ability to remember things just gets shittier and shittier and I don't know if I want to have to reach into the depths of my synapses just to get upset that there's nothing there.
I'm not sure if this is normal or if I should get my brain checked out. I think my brain needs to be checked out for a lot of reasons.
Anyway, I have a lot on my mind right now and I need to get it out so that I can get on with my life. Today was a miserable Sunday. But I had a fun Saturday night. I was invited to a pool party by a guy at Harris. He's a white guy that I've always found very cute. He's in the in-crowd of the Harris Young Professionals group, and always open to talk to me. I wanted to convince myself that he was attracted to me but it is pretty evident that he doesn't from how I've seen him act around the girls he truly wants. But I will say that I think he's obsessed with impressing me because I'm a black woman and his circle is tragically white. I'm a coon so I'm fine with it. Anyway, on Friday, me and this girl, Steph, danced with him the entire night and he was obviously into her. But he invited both of us to his pool party. He said it was a going-away party for a girl named Melissa (which is funny because I never met this girl when I got there). I was excited to be invited, obviously, so I immediately jumped on it and Steph said she was down too.
I think guys are very transparent but I don't know why I have trouble reading things with this guy. His name is Everett, by the way. It would have been a good opportunity to get Steph's number in that moment but instead, he gave me the information for the pool party and told me to send it to her. Then, that was it. Lately, a lot of guys have asked for my number but I don't think it means anything until they actually text me. But I assume there is an initial attraction if they ask in the first place. Now, I'm thinking that guys just don't make sense.
So as I said, I was really down to go. I thought it would be a great opportunity to push my way further into the in-crowd. But I didn't have a bathing suit, I was on my period, I wear wigs so I wasn't sure how to do my hair for the pool, and I was also under the impression that I was going to some random person's house for a celebration for someone I didn't even know. I ended up canceling on Saturday morning and said I had a lot to do that day. Everett said that they were planning on going on for a long time and then going downtown afterwards. So I kept the option open. I ended up going to church, taking a nap when I got home, and then I went to the beach to eat ice cream and sit on the sand to finally crack open my copy of "Memoirs of a Geisha" which I had bought last summer but had let it sit in my car trunk since I got it. It was surprisingly a very pleasant Saturday afternoon.
I would've probably stayed at the beach longer but I didn't put in enough coins in the parking meter and I didn't feel like lugging everything I had to add coins in just to go back out again. I messaged Everett if things were still going on, and he said "yes". I found out from my new friend, Tyler, that Steph didn't actually go but he was there and the vibe was chill. It was late, around 7pm now, and that was when I made my way over to the place of the party.
I'm not going to go into all the nitty gritty details of the night because I'm not really writing this post to recount my weekend. I'm leading up to the reason why I'm so bothered right now and have been since the early hours of Sunday.
As soon as I walk into the house, I find out that it's actually Everett's place, which he shares with two other guys. I was told this by a pretty, white girl in a white one-piece and obvious nipple piercings who was unmistakably drunk. We mistakenly took two shots together: a mistake for her. But she and a friend of hers, Kane, made me feel comfortable immediately when I had just been shaking from nerves a second before. Anyway, Everett's place is beautiful. A party house. There's a hot tub and a pool. I think they live alongside a river or a stream of some sorts. One of the guys owns a Porsche. They have an immaculate alcohol collection. I felt like I stepped into the world of upper-middle-class maledom.
Tyler, the only other non-white person in the whole house, danced with me in the hot tub and I made good conversation with the other people in the house. Suddenly, people were just leaving in droves and there was only a few of us that actually wanted to go downtown. Sadly, Tyler couldn't go. The friendly girl that I met when I walked into the door was puking and out cold in one of the housemate's beds. So it was just me, one other girl (who wanted to go home early), and a bunch of guys going out to the bars. I had initially been weirded out about being the only girl in the group but it ended up being fine.
Honestly, I felt attractive and fun the entire night. I even made a girl friend who was having an after party that we didn't end up going to. The guys called me cool for being down. It's funny because as they were saying that, I was feeling fake as fuck. I even admitted to them at some point in the night that I was a try-hard. I always try to be as transparent as possible. And I truly don't think they would like the real me. The non-drunk, awkward person I am that can never string words together to form a sentence. I also knew as they were saying this, we would all never be real friends. They've already told me the same stuff before. That I was cool and we should all hang out more often. Yeah, right. They already had their close friends and I'll always be an afterthought. I was just the cool, new chick for the night. But it was okay, I will be and was that cool chick for the night.
For some reason, I can't remember how we got home but we made it there. We all started having deep conversations and the guys were revealing a lot of sucky shit to me. Stuff about breaking up with their exes and still fucking them and leading them on. Stuff about having sex with people that don't care about you. I said something about initially thinking someone is attractive and then later realizing that maybe you're not that attracted to them... and then Brandon brought up Jack's name.
So Jack is a guy that I matched with on Tinder back in the fall. We knew we both worked at Harris but at different campuses. We talked back and forth for a little bit. But he was sort of a bad texter and I didn't find his profile pictures THAT attractive so I ghosted him. I later see him at a HYP happy hour, recognized him from Tinder, and was in shock of how attractive he was in person. I went back on Tinder and messaged him that I saw him at the event but I was too shy to say hi. We eventually met up at another HYP event and he asked for my phone number. I think at that point forward, we were just "talking" but we never really did anything past just that. We'd invite each other to stuff and hang out in groups but that's all.
I was actually re-considering things with him because I hated his voice. It was nasally and affected and sort of high. I honestly thought he was gay. I was seriously considering how I could break things off with him while still potentially hooking up with people in our same circle. I'm not sure what happened, but I guess I woke up one day and decided that I actually really liked him. His personality is perfect, almost too perfect. And I loved that he understood my humor and I enjoyed his. I didn't feel uncomfortable talking to him.
But I sort of realized that he was pulling away around January, I believe. Funnily enough, that's when what I felt for him turned into a real crush. Whenever we hung out in groups, I talked to everyone. I get friendly with the cute guys in the group. I dance and shake my ass. And whole time, I wondered if Jack ever interpreted that as me being disinterested in him. Or perhaps, thought I was some sort of thot. I thought that was why he started pulling away. So I thought that I could reel him back him by being a little more forward. I think the culminating moment that solidified to me that he probably doesn't like me was the day I asked him on a lunch date. The lunch date went fine, or so I thought. I was a little awkward but it wasn't terrible. Later on, we went downtown with a group of people and towards the end of the night he disappeared.
I messaged him to ask where he was, and then I messaged him that I wanted to kiss him. I was really drunk and feeling very bold but the following morning, I realized my mistake and tried to delete the message before he saw it. I have no idea if he saw it or not but I didn't get a response for either one week or two weeks, I can't remember. That really fucked with my emotions. Not as fucked as I feel now but I should've known then that it was over and should have stopped.
I waited weeks before I ever messaged him again. Very nonchalant stuff like, "are you going to be at happy hour" or "are you going to this or that". He never really responded immediately but he never responded well before. When we saw each other, things were as friendly as they could be. He was still cool to be around. But I guess I still tried to see things that weren't there.
So last night, Brandon finally told me what I should've figured out for myself. He said that Jack and him have talked about me before and Jack simply wasn't attracted to me. Suddenly, I didn't want to be in that house anymore. That's part of the reason why we didn't end up going to the after party. I just wanted to be alone and sad underneath my blankets. I feel like it would've been different if he was never attracted to me in the first place, if he ever was. If we never matched on Tinder. If there was never any hope. Because all I can think about is what I did wrong. What was good about me on Tinder that wasn't as good in real life. Why did you get my number back in September but I'm not attractive to you now...? Is it my personality or am I just ugly?
This isn't the first time this has happened to me either where someone gets to know me and realizes that they made a mistake. That shit's heartbreaking. I've always feared presenting myself in a way that I'm truly not. I don't like wearing makeup. I get scared meeting people that I met when I was drunk when I'm sober. Even wearing wigs is a constant battle for me. I think most men only express interest in me because they think I have this long, flowy hair when in actuality, I have kinks and no edges. It's the stuff that fuels my insecurities. And with one revelation, Brandon basically told me that my insecurities are legitimate.
I'm not even sure how to move forward from all of this. I just feel terrible.
You know when you're drunk and you already feel emotional over one thing or another and some shit sets you off and you begin to feel self-destructive? The guy with the Porsche, Jason, was already being touch-y feel-y the entire night. The kind of guy that talks smooth and gently, puts his hand on the small of your back when he talks to you, and hugs you a little bit too tight but it's fine because he makes it feel nice...? I met him a while back at a happy hour and my friends said it was obvious that he was being flirty with me. But he seemed like the type that flirts with everyone. I was flattered but I didn't think much of it. I also never really saw him again after that. He was cute, not THAT cute, but cute enough and like I said, he was smooth. So in that moment, after Brandon told me what I needed to hear, I wanted to take Jason onto his bed and mess around with him until I stopped feeling so inadequate. I probably would have if there wasn't a bunch of people in the room. Not to mention, his ex was going to be over in a few hours.
I kept up the pretenses for a few more minutes and then I finally called an Uber to go home.
Today, I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that there are guys that actually like me but I couldn't even believe it. Kane, the guy I met at the door of the house, was really blunt with me and told me that he was trying to set me up with his friend who took interest in me. The guy's friend was cute but in a very bland, white boy sort of way. And so I told the guy that I was interested in someone else that night. I did talk to the guy that "liked" me, according to his friend. He was chill. Had sexy tattoos. But if it weren't for his friend, I wouldn't have even known that he found me attractive because he seemed to just be making small talk with me. And so I don't believe it. He'll wake up the next day sober, and realize he made a mistake. I feel like I'm only "pretty" in a room where there's no other single girls. And therefore, I'm not.
Please, someone tell me, how do I proceed from here? I'm doing things to change myself. I'm working out. I'm trying to get my acne together. I'm trying to grow my hair. And even after all of that, if a guy comes up to me and tells me he's attracted to me, should I even believe him? Does it even matter when he gets my phone number and doesn't text me in the morning?
Anyway, everything will be fine. It hurts me more that I was putting my energy into someone who checked out a long time ago. It hurts to think about Jack. But I didn't love him. We were never together. I didn't lose anything. So I need to stop pitying myself. I'm buying myself a piano after I finish this post. I'm going to go the gym tomorrow morning. I'm going to go to work and do the best I can. I'm going to live my life and make myself happy in the ways that I can.
My friends are coming down to visit me on Wednesday night and reminding myself of that is the only thing that has lifted my spirits and gotten me through the day. I think as you get older, you stop feeling excited for much of anything. At least, that's what I've experienced with myself. Things don't really excite me as much and sometimes, I find myself going through the motions and then suddenly, maybe as the event is happening, or right before, I realize, "Wow, I'm really happy right now". This is different. I've been anticipating their arrival for weeks now and I want to get the apartment perfect for them. I'm excited to come home from work to people that like me and know me. I'm excited to be a weirdo again and to experience the city with people I feel comfortable with.
Well, this is the end for me and I feel a little better. Good night.
I'm not sure if this is normal or if I should get my brain checked out. I think my brain needs to be checked out for a lot of reasons.
Anyway, I have a lot on my mind right now and I need to get it out so that I can get on with my life. Today was a miserable Sunday. But I had a fun Saturday night. I was invited to a pool party by a guy at Harris. He's a white guy that I've always found very cute. He's in the in-crowd of the Harris Young Professionals group, and always open to talk to me. I wanted to convince myself that he was attracted to me but it is pretty evident that he doesn't from how I've seen him act around the girls he truly wants. But I will say that I think he's obsessed with impressing me because I'm a black woman and his circle is tragically white. I'm a coon so I'm fine with it. Anyway, on Friday, me and this girl, Steph, danced with him the entire night and he was obviously into her. But he invited both of us to his pool party. He said it was a going-away party for a girl named Melissa (which is funny because I never met this girl when I got there). I was excited to be invited, obviously, so I immediately jumped on it and Steph said she was down too.
I think guys are very transparent but I don't know why I have trouble reading things with this guy. His name is Everett, by the way. It would have been a good opportunity to get Steph's number in that moment but instead, he gave me the information for the pool party and told me to send it to her. Then, that was it. Lately, a lot of guys have asked for my number but I don't think it means anything until they actually text me. But I assume there is an initial attraction if they ask in the first place. Now, I'm thinking that guys just don't make sense.
So as I said, I was really down to go. I thought it would be a great opportunity to push my way further into the in-crowd. But I didn't have a bathing suit, I was on my period, I wear wigs so I wasn't sure how to do my hair for the pool, and I was also under the impression that I was going to some random person's house for a celebration for someone I didn't even know. I ended up canceling on Saturday morning and said I had a lot to do that day. Everett said that they were planning on going on for a long time and then going downtown afterwards. So I kept the option open. I ended up going to church, taking a nap when I got home, and then I went to the beach to eat ice cream and sit on the sand to finally crack open my copy of "Memoirs of a Geisha" which I had bought last summer but had let it sit in my car trunk since I got it. It was surprisingly a very pleasant Saturday afternoon.
I would've probably stayed at the beach longer but I didn't put in enough coins in the parking meter and I didn't feel like lugging everything I had to add coins in just to go back out again. I messaged Everett if things were still going on, and he said "yes". I found out from my new friend, Tyler, that Steph didn't actually go but he was there and the vibe was chill. It was late, around 7pm now, and that was when I made my way over to the place of the party.
I'm not going to go into all the nitty gritty details of the night because I'm not really writing this post to recount my weekend. I'm leading up to the reason why I'm so bothered right now and have been since the early hours of Sunday.
As soon as I walk into the house, I find out that it's actually Everett's place, which he shares with two other guys. I was told this by a pretty, white girl in a white one-piece and obvious nipple piercings who was unmistakably drunk. We mistakenly took two shots together: a mistake for her. But she and a friend of hers, Kane, made me feel comfortable immediately when I had just been shaking from nerves a second before. Anyway, Everett's place is beautiful. A party house. There's a hot tub and a pool. I think they live alongside a river or a stream of some sorts. One of the guys owns a Porsche. They have an immaculate alcohol collection. I felt like I stepped into the world of upper-middle-class maledom.
Tyler, the only other non-white person in the whole house, danced with me in the hot tub and I made good conversation with the other people in the house. Suddenly, people were just leaving in droves and there was only a few of us that actually wanted to go downtown. Sadly, Tyler couldn't go. The friendly girl that I met when I walked into the door was puking and out cold in one of the housemate's beds. So it was just me, one other girl (who wanted to go home early), and a bunch of guys going out to the bars. I had initially been weirded out about being the only girl in the group but it ended up being fine.
Honestly, I felt attractive and fun the entire night. I even made a girl friend who was having an after party that we didn't end up going to. The guys called me cool for being down. It's funny because as they were saying that, I was feeling fake as fuck. I even admitted to them at some point in the night that I was a try-hard. I always try to be as transparent as possible. And I truly don't think they would like the real me. The non-drunk, awkward person I am that can never string words together to form a sentence. I also knew as they were saying this, we would all never be real friends. They've already told me the same stuff before. That I was cool and we should all hang out more often. Yeah, right. They already had their close friends and I'll always be an afterthought. I was just the cool, new chick for the night. But it was okay, I will be and was that cool chick for the night.
For some reason, I can't remember how we got home but we made it there. We all started having deep conversations and the guys were revealing a lot of sucky shit to me. Stuff about breaking up with their exes and still fucking them and leading them on. Stuff about having sex with people that don't care about you. I said something about initially thinking someone is attractive and then later realizing that maybe you're not that attracted to them... and then Brandon brought up Jack's name.
So Jack is a guy that I matched with on Tinder back in the fall. We knew we both worked at Harris but at different campuses. We talked back and forth for a little bit. But he was sort of a bad texter and I didn't find his profile pictures THAT attractive so I ghosted him. I later see him at a HYP happy hour, recognized him from Tinder, and was in shock of how attractive he was in person. I went back on Tinder and messaged him that I saw him at the event but I was too shy to say hi. We eventually met up at another HYP event and he asked for my phone number. I think at that point forward, we were just "talking" but we never really did anything past just that. We'd invite each other to stuff and hang out in groups but that's all.
I was actually re-considering things with him because I hated his voice. It was nasally and affected and sort of high. I honestly thought he was gay. I was seriously considering how I could break things off with him while still potentially hooking up with people in our same circle. I'm not sure what happened, but I guess I woke up one day and decided that I actually really liked him. His personality is perfect, almost too perfect. And I loved that he understood my humor and I enjoyed his. I didn't feel uncomfortable talking to him.
But I sort of realized that he was pulling away around January, I believe. Funnily enough, that's when what I felt for him turned into a real crush. Whenever we hung out in groups, I talked to everyone. I get friendly with the cute guys in the group. I dance and shake my ass. And whole time, I wondered if Jack ever interpreted that as me being disinterested in him. Or perhaps, thought I was some sort of thot. I thought that was why he started pulling away. So I thought that I could reel him back him by being a little more forward. I think the culminating moment that solidified to me that he probably doesn't like me was the day I asked him on a lunch date. The lunch date went fine, or so I thought. I was a little awkward but it wasn't terrible. Later on, we went downtown with a group of people and towards the end of the night he disappeared.
I messaged him to ask where he was, and then I messaged him that I wanted to kiss him. I was really drunk and feeling very bold but the following morning, I realized my mistake and tried to delete the message before he saw it. I have no idea if he saw it or not but I didn't get a response for either one week or two weeks, I can't remember. That really fucked with my emotions. Not as fucked as I feel now but I should've known then that it was over and should have stopped.
I waited weeks before I ever messaged him again. Very nonchalant stuff like, "are you going to be at happy hour" or "are you going to this or that". He never really responded immediately but he never responded well before. When we saw each other, things were as friendly as they could be. He was still cool to be around. But I guess I still tried to see things that weren't there.
So last night, Brandon finally told me what I should've figured out for myself. He said that Jack and him have talked about me before and Jack simply wasn't attracted to me. Suddenly, I didn't want to be in that house anymore. That's part of the reason why we didn't end up going to the after party. I just wanted to be alone and sad underneath my blankets. I feel like it would've been different if he was never attracted to me in the first place, if he ever was. If we never matched on Tinder. If there was never any hope. Because all I can think about is what I did wrong. What was good about me on Tinder that wasn't as good in real life. Why did you get my number back in September but I'm not attractive to you now...? Is it my personality or am I just ugly?
This isn't the first time this has happened to me either where someone gets to know me and realizes that they made a mistake. That shit's heartbreaking. I've always feared presenting myself in a way that I'm truly not. I don't like wearing makeup. I get scared meeting people that I met when I was drunk when I'm sober. Even wearing wigs is a constant battle for me. I think most men only express interest in me because they think I have this long, flowy hair when in actuality, I have kinks and no edges. It's the stuff that fuels my insecurities. And with one revelation, Brandon basically told me that my insecurities are legitimate.
I'm not even sure how to move forward from all of this. I just feel terrible.
You know when you're drunk and you already feel emotional over one thing or another and some shit sets you off and you begin to feel self-destructive? The guy with the Porsche, Jason, was already being touch-y feel-y the entire night. The kind of guy that talks smooth and gently, puts his hand on the small of your back when he talks to you, and hugs you a little bit too tight but it's fine because he makes it feel nice...? I met him a while back at a happy hour and my friends said it was obvious that he was being flirty with me. But he seemed like the type that flirts with everyone. I was flattered but I didn't think much of it. I also never really saw him again after that. He was cute, not THAT cute, but cute enough and like I said, he was smooth. So in that moment, after Brandon told me what I needed to hear, I wanted to take Jason onto his bed and mess around with him until I stopped feeling so inadequate. I probably would have if there wasn't a bunch of people in the room. Not to mention, his ex was going to be over in a few hours.
I kept up the pretenses for a few more minutes and then I finally called an Uber to go home.
Today, I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that there are guys that actually like me but I couldn't even believe it. Kane, the guy I met at the door of the house, was really blunt with me and told me that he was trying to set me up with his friend who took interest in me. The guy's friend was cute but in a very bland, white boy sort of way. And so I told the guy that I was interested in someone else that night. I did talk to the guy that "liked" me, according to his friend. He was chill. Had sexy tattoos. But if it weren't for his friend, I wouldn't have even known that he found me attractive because he seemed to just be making small talk with me. And so I don't believe it. He'll wake up the next day sober, and realize he made a mistake. I feel like I'm only "pretty" in a room where there's no other single girls. And therefore, I'm not.
Please, someone tell me, how do I proceed from here? I'm doing things to change myself. I'm working out. I'm trying to get my acne together. I'm trying to grow my hair. And even after all of that, if a guy comes up to me and tells me he's attracted to me, should I even believe him? Does it even matter when he gets my phone number and doesn't text me in the morning?
Anyway, everything will be fine. It hurts me more that I was putting my energy into someone who checked out a long time ago. It hurts to think about Jack. But I didn't love him. We were never together. I didn't lose anything. So I need to stop pitying myself. I'm buying myself a piano after I finish this post. I'm going to go the gym tomorrow morning. I'm going to go to work and do the best I can. I'm going to live my life and make myself happy in the ways that I can.
My friends are coming down to visit me on Wednesday night and reminding myself of that is the only thing that has lifted my spirits and gotten me through the day. I think as you get older, you stop feeling excited for much of anything. At least, that's what I've experienced with myself. Things don't really excite me as much and sometimes, I find myself going through the motions and then suddenly, maybe as the event is happening, or right before, I realize, "Wow, I'm really happy right now". This is different. I've been anticipating their arrival for weeks now and I want to get the apartment perfect for them. I'm excited to come home from work to people that like me and know me. I'm excited to be a weirdo again and to experience the city with people I feel comfortable with.
Well, this is the end for me and I feel a little better. Good night.
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