Another alarm, in case you haven't woken up already.

Welcome to 2020. The year of new vision and insight. It's only February and I'm not sure how I feel about this year just yet.

Time is a human construct though so 2020 means nothing to the universe. The universe will give and take away whenever it feels like it. And thus, I am scared. I am so scared. 

Right now, my heart is beating and I'm not sure if it's just the side effects of over-consuming tequila last night or my anxiety. Maybe it's both. But it's almost 6 PM and the only thing I've accomplished is eating and sleeping so whatever it is, I'm not doing too well. 

Kobe Bryant, his daughter, and 7 others died in a terrible helicopter crash last week. I was an hour from leaving my friend's house in Conshohocken to go to the airport to get back to Florida. I was absolutely frightened. Bad things like this don't happen to people like Kobe Bryant, right? You never heard headlines about him going in and out of rehab. He wasn't associated with gang activity. He didn't lead a dangerous life. He only played basketball and loved his wife and kids. 

Obviously, there's more to the Kobe Bryant story. But on paper, he is just not the kind of guy that should die like this. Just before I got the news on my phone, I was talking to my friends about celebrities getting away with shit because of their money. I went to find my phone and saw a notification in the family group chat on WhatsApp and my brother messaged that Kobe Bryant died. And without thought, I immediately exclaimed to my group of friends the news. Wealth can't escape death, I guess. 

The ride back to Florida was scary. My parents didn't know I was in Pennsylvania. I don't know why I lied to them about it either. But I thought I'd be punished for lying to them. But the Lord got me back to Florida safely. And ever since, I've delved deeper and deeper into this tragedy (even though I've never particularly cared about Kobe) and now I can't look at a headline about him without feeling sick. I think what was even more insane about it all was that he and his daughter had a little clip of them at a basketball game that was going around as a meme on Twitter only a month or less ago. I thought it was a cute clip and went ahead and researched Gianna and found out that Kobe coaches her basketball team and she's actually pretty good. It is crazy to think we shared that endearing video with each other not knowing what was to come. 

Anyway, my anxiety about death continues and if it wasn't on my mind almost 24/7 before, it is now. And as I recover from drinking, in the darkness of my messy apartment, on the last few pieces of toilet paper, with close-to-rotting vegetables in the fridge, I ponder my uselessness. If anything happened to my family members right now, what could I say for myself? You're here in Florida being a fool when you could have been at home, cherishing moments with the people who love you? What is wrong with me?

I haven't talked to anyone today. I haven't done anything I said I was going to do. And I promised to go to a Super Bowl party and I don't wanna go because I hate football. Not to mention I have so much shit to do. But if I don't go, I'd be bailing on yet another thing. But if I do go, I'd be bailing on my responsibilities. 

I still have fucking eyeliner on from the night before. 

And another thing I'm upset about is the fact that I have developed another crush and I don't think he's interested in me and once again, I don't know what to do with myself. I found out yesterday that the old crush got back with his girlfriend, and I'm not sure why that hurts me, but it does. I sort of knew he had to be in a relationship though because of how absent he has been. People are too predictable. But knowing that he has gotten back with his old girlfriend (instead of finding some other girl) does seem to ease the slight a little bit. I think I'm hurt because my heart is still feeling things for someone who never cared about me and if anybody knew, they would realize I'm such a moron. This guy also has been nothing but nice to me. He simply just didn't share the same feelings and it's fine and I need to get over it. So God, please explain why I haven't? 

This new crush is doing the same thing the old crush did to me. When I first met him, I didn't think much of him. I was introduced to him by a friend and he seemed uninterested in getting to know me. I honestly thought he was probably a coon or something (kettle and the pot, right?), so I decided I wouldn't pay him any mind. The second time we met, it was very different. I don't remember all the details. I just remember that it was after some happy hour, and a group of us decided to stay out a little longer and he was a part of the group. We circled this table at this chill bar downtown and played a drinking game. He sat next to me so we got to know each other more. This was when I found out that he was almost 30 and he cringed at my age. I think we mostly talked about family though. I was so surprised by how friendly he was, in stark contrast of the first time I met him. I think it was then that I got the sense that he may have been into me but I wasn't really feeling him yet so I remember being a little on alert with him. In fact, the next time I saw him (downtown Melbourne somewhere), I waved at him but delayed in going up to him because I didn't want to get stuck talking to him. I can't give you a timeline on all of this either but it must have been in the summer or fall of 2019. Just to put things into perspective.

It was the same with the old crush. He was really easy to talk to but I wasn't into him at first, for some reason. I think it was mostly because his voice turned me off. But then I got to know him and he grew on me. And so it was with this new crush who I'm going to refer to as Teddy for now because for some reason, he reminds me of a teddy bear. Things began to change when I saw him at another happy hour months later. I hadn't seen him in a long time. The happy hour had a really low turnout so we sort of only had each other to talk to so we ended up talking a lot. It was the first time Taylor met him and she asked me who the was. To put into perspective how much this man was not on my radar, I didn't even know his name. The issue was mostly that it was unique and I had no idea how to spell it so it didn't stick with me. And clearly, I didn't care enough to remember it. After that night, I messaged the friend who introduced him to me to ask him what it was but until then, I avoided calling him by name. 

Even then, I don't think I was that attracted to him. It was like my brain was telling me he was cute but my heart and my pussy weren't budging. But I think the attraction began that night because I remember he sat between me and Taylor, and I felt a little tinge of jealousy when he talked to Taylor instead of me. But also, my old crush was out with us so I actually think I just wanted the old crush to see that a good-looking guy was talking to me. After the night was over, he hugged me good night and not Taylor, perhaps because he didn't really know her that well. On the way back to our cars, Taylor was gushing about how cute he was. It was then that it clicked. And I hate that I'm this type of person, but I can't deny it. I tend to be swayed by who my friends find attractive. This normally only happens with guys who are teetering on my attractiveness line. With Teddy, Taylor's approval gave me the go-ahead to start liking him. 

I saw him only two times last year after that night. You would have thought he would have gotten my phone number by now, right? The time after was at another happy hour at Squid Lips. We only caught up a little bit even though I wanted to talk to him more. Instead, I hung out with another group for the rest of that night. I don't really remember it much to be honest and as much as I had wanted to talk to him that particular night, I didn't really think much of him afterward. And then, the Winter Social happened. That's when I think I began to fall. 

The Winter Social was in December and it was my company's end-of-the-year party for young professionals. I pregamed well with a group of people beforehand. I had taken a few photos, shimmied a little bit, and had gotten another drink in me before Teddy comes up to me looking oh-so good. He had on a very fitted suit, and he just looked so polished and adorable. You see, my friends had told me that the Winter Social is THE fashion event of the year for my company and I took it pretty seriously. But when I got there, I saw people in basic dresses and ill-fitted suits and I had to remind myself that I worked with a bunch of engineers. Fashion isn't really their forte. But Teddy looked hot as fuck. 

I also am realizing now that he also lost some weight since I first met him so I don't think he just grew on me. He literally just got better looking. So, Teddy and I were basically attached at the hip for the entire night. So much so that I barely saw the group I came with. I sort of made friends with a black girl I had seen by herself and he bought us both drinks. Old-fashioneds. They were terrible. Again, I got a little jealous when he talked to her and not me. But he ended up sticking with me for the entire time. We even got pictures together, which I don't have except for one blurry one that I had to plead another friend for. 

We were so attached to each other that the next day, someone asked me if he was my boyfriend, if that tells you anything. 

At some point in the night, I thought I was annoying him though. I think we separated a few times and I don't know if it was just in my head or what. At some point, I told him that a few of us were going downtown. And he seemed very quick to dip to go downtown. I'm not sure if I read into it or not. When we got downtown, we barely talked. Instead, I ended up dancing with this one guy that works with my old crush who I'm so sure is very into me but I wasn't into him at all. Oh yeah, Teddy doesn't dance unless he's really drunk. I looked for him no matter who I was talking to and I was butt-hurt realizing he wasn't searching for me. He talked to some buddy and I think he disappeared at some point and came back with a vape. He made vaping look so sexy, not gonna lie. At the end of the night, before he left, he hugged me and FINALLY got my phone number. I was elated but I didn't want him to go just yet. I cannot begin to tell you how much that man ravaged my mind for the rest of the night. I was hooked. 

I messaged him immediately the next day to ask him if he had pictures from the night before. He took way too many hours to respond and that's when I began to realize that I'm entering a dark and murky path. In this day and age, texting is just such an integral indicator of how much a guy is into you and Teddy was not ticking off the boxes. The first red flag was that I didn't get a text in the morning or the night before. Since my coming-of-age, any guy that was interested in me initiated from the jump. Guys ALWAYS initiate. In fact, he should've asked me on a date or to anything by now. Even my old crush did that. Red flag number two was that he doesn't text back immediately. And red flag number three is that he doesn't really have any interesting thing to say when he does text back. I could forgive number two and three if only he had initiated something. 

I'm really trying to convince myself that he's really just not that into me because if I do so, I can give up hope and I can stop liking him. But it's so hard. He seems too perfect and I feel like being so reckless because it feels like I'll never find someone like this again who gives even an ounce of a shit about me. I feel like I can make him believe that he likes me back if I just nudge him a little bit. But my sane mind knows that my efforts are futile. 

He's tall. He's black (and Korean). He has the cutest, most adorable face. He's a really good conversationalist and makes me feel comfortable around him. And most importantly, he gives me the time of day. And I think that's what makes it worst. He seems so attainable but then, he's not. 

So after having him infiltrate my mind for almost a month since the Winter Social, I had a talk with my sister through SnapChat messages about men and told her about this crush I had. This was two Sundays ago. I told her that he's basically husband-material but he's not initiating anything and if he doesn't call me this week, that's it for him. I'm going to let him go. I made that ultimatum because there was a happy hour at the end of the week and I figured that would be the perfect opportunity for him to call or message me. But also, it would be a sign from God whether I should continue to pursue him or not. 

The universe has this way of playing games with me. Whenever I stop thinking/stressing about someone/something, the universe hands them to me on a silver plate. But once I do start worrying about them, the universe snatches them away. I had left early on Friday to get ready to catch my plane to go Pennsylvania and found out that actually, my plane was postponed for an hour or so later. I was un-bothered, chilling on my bed, waiting for the time to pass when I got a message from an unlisted phone number (yes, I bitterly decided not to save Teddy's name on my phone). Teddy asked me if I was going to happy hour today. He was feeling iffy about it. 

The way I screamed that day, man... The neighbors must hate me, if my loud cackling at odd hours of the day didn't do it for them.

I immediately snapped my sister and messaged my friends the good news. I was on cloud nine. And yes, I finally saved his number on my phone that day. So he didn't call me but he did message me and that was enough for me. I told him that I couldn't make it because I was going to Philly. But I urged him to go because the place where they were having happy hour is pretty nice. I actually wanted to say something goofy like, "I'm not going but it wouldn't be fun without me anyway". Taylor thought it was great. My sister thought it was corny. I guess I'm glad I erred on the side of caution. He ended up not going and I'd like to say that it was because of my absence. 

We messaged back and forth until right before I boarded my plane. Our conversation was nothing too magical but again, I think it's because he's not really a good texter. It's crazy to me because he's so good at talking in real life that I wonder why it doesn't translate to the phone. I was hoping that he would initiate the texts in the morning or some other time that weekend but he never did. I just feel like that means that I'm not running through his mind like he is in mine. And that's not enough for me. 

Well, it shouldn't be enough for me. But like I said, I've been feeling reckless. This past Friday, I got invited to go out to Intracoastal and my friend asked me to extend the invite. And that's when I got the great idea to ask Teddy to come with. And he said yes! At this point, it had been about three weeks since I last saw him, and I was just craving his presence. So, he came and we talked to each other all night. The friend who had invited me out asked me the next day if I was into him because he seemed into me. And I didn't even know what to say. It seems that every time we're together, we're so attached but otherwise, nothing indicates that he wants me as anything more than just a friend. But yes yes yes, I want him. 

I needed catharsis from Teddy-mania. That's why I'm writing this long ass post about him. But now I'm left feeling like I need to text him right now. I just don't want to make the same mistake I made with the old crush. In fact, I'm realizing even more how similar this situation is. At some point, my old crush became terrible at texting me back (I guess, when he realized that he wasn't interested in me romantically). But when we would hang out in the same spaces, he always gravitated toward me. There was one Orlando bus trip that we were on together where we talked almost the entire night. At the end, I fed him chips and we bantered like close buddies. He merely felt comfortable with me but I just really liked him and wanted to convince myself that it was more than just that.

It would pain me if this was happening again to me. But people are literally telling me that they see something there. I also know that people see two people of opposite genders talking and they automatically think they wanna fuck each other so who knows? People can certainly be wrong. But I wholeheartedly want to believe them. Another funny thing about the old crush situation, that I'm only beginning to realize a year after, is how much people talk. I'm pretty sure people saw that me and the old crush were attached too and I'm sure there was more talk about it then merely what my one friend (the one who told me that the old crush doesn't like me) revealed to me. The same thing is happening now except now I'm close enough to people where they can talk to me instead of behind my back about it. Unfortunately, Teddy isn't really in with the people that I know but it would've been great if I could get a friend to find out for me what his deal is. 

I forgot to mention that I learned on Friday that he moved to Melbourne with a girlfriend of three years. They broke up but she still lives here. And at some point, he got visibly pained from talking about it. Old crush told me that he wasn't over his last girlfriend (although, I don't think that's merely why he didn't like me). But I do think it's crazy that Teddy is going through the exact same thing. And I wonder if maybe he's still trying to heal from that and that's why he's not initiating anything with me. He also said he wants to leave Melbourne by June and maybe he just doesn't want to fall in love with someone that he's gonna leave behind. I'm flattering myself here but if I'm correct about the kind of person he is, then this makes sense to me.

I also got the sense that he was telling me things to insinuate that I shouldn't like him. Like he revealed that he gets really sweaty. And then this ex-girlfriend thing.

I think I don't want a relationship with him. But maybe I'm not being honest with myself. All I know is that in this moment, I just want my tongue in his mouth. I want the companionship and physicality that I've never had. 

There's not much more for me to say on this matter. I only hope God leads me in the right direction and most importantly, heals me. I hate feeling continuously dejected. I hate hearing my friends talk to me about the men in their life. I just wanna know what mutual interest feels like because frankly, I'm getting tired of this loneliness and life is beginning to just suck.