So I can't stop thinking about my friend and her "man" and the latest disgusting thing he did to her. I figured if I write it all out in a blog post, it will help ease my mind. I am so so so annoyed with him and because of that, I am so annoyed with her as well. I have tried to be as understanding as possible for the almost two years that she's been with him. I know there is nothing I could have done or said to prevent what she went through with him. But I hate how easily she slipped into the cracks of such an evil man and how everything could have been avoided if she had just given herself time to breathe after her last boyfriend.
I am not going to go through my past blog posts now but I'm sure I've already spoken about this man before. I don't know what I called him in past posts but for the purpose of this post, I'll call him Dick. I won't go too much into the details of their past, but I think a current rundown of where they are at now should suffice. Dick is a married, polyamorous man who my friend started dating towards the end of 2019. They became official at some point between the end of 2019 and the beginning of 2020 and then he broke up with her in the winter of 2020, after his wife threatened to commit suicide if he kept seeing her. They continued seeing each other in secret for months afterward. He would sneak by her place for quick sex and leave. Then, I guess she finally started to feel bad about how worthless it was making her feel so she spoke up about it. After a few twisted conversations that made no sense, they finally started hanging out more normally, but they never officially got back together again. If you were to ask me, I would say that their entire relationship has been trash. Dick is only slightly better than her last boyfriend, who I'll call The Marine (since that was his entire personality), because at least he actually claimed her. Actually, it was sort of better than that, considering The Marine had a huge ego problem. I actually believe The Marine is a textbook narcissist, and I don't like to use terms like that lightly. But I believe her current man has been destructive to her in a very similar way. And I would argue, an even more insidious way.
We used to talk about how he was more emotionally aware than her last boyfriend and "soooo communicative". But I don't think he ever was at all. I'm looking through the messages me and my friend would have about him and starting from the beginning of their relationship, he would get mad at her for the weirdest things. Then, he would proceed to give her the silent treatment. It seemed he was only able to be supportive and communicative when it came to things outside of their relationship. But when they had their own issues, he'd get passive aggressive, walk out on her if they were together, and then stop answering her messages. She would NEVER actually do anything wrong either. Yet, somehow she was always the one crawling back to him and making it up to him. The times when he would actually admit he was wrong, he would never sincerely apologize. He never said "I'm sorry", which I pointed out to her, but I guess that was okay to her.
So part of what makes everything so insidious to me is that he is a licensed psychologist. On paper, he should know what to say and how to say things to vulnerable people. He knows what correct coping mechanisms are and what good communication is supposed to be. Yet, he wields this knowledge when he chooses, and only usually to get what he wants. I think what looked like emotional awareness to my friend was actual manipulation. And I've felt this right from the very start. I started searching through the messages me and my friend had about him in the past to remember how things began with him. And I realized that there were so many disgusting things he did that I had somehow forgotten because after all he put her through, my friend chose to be with him anyway. Although I never fully trusted him, my mind reached to find some good in him to help me cope with my best friend being with such a gross man. So I forgot some things. But the red flags were always there and they were BLARINGLY red.
Okay, so let's finally talk about what happened yesterday and today. I went up to the Philly area to visit my friend since it was a three-day weekend. This past Monday, which was my last day with her, we decided to go to a winery with a few friends. We were initially supposed to go the beach but it was rainy and cold all weekend and no one (me, particularly) didn't want to be miserable. Not to mention, it would have taken too long to travel to the closest beach and back before I had to drive back home to Maryland. Side note, the winery was so low-energy and I was still exhausted as I tried to make the drive back home yesterday. There was absolutely no way I would have been able to do a beach day and make it home in one piece.
Anyway, as I was getting ready to go to the winery, my friend was laying on the couch texting Dick. She told me that he was acting really weird since last night. Apparently, he said he wanted to start hooking up with other people and wondered when she was going to start hooking up with people too. According to her, he has mentioned wanting her to start seeing other people before but she would tell him she wasn't ready yet. I think that day she mentioned that she was finally ready to start hooking up again and was starting to go on dates. That's when he said something weird. He said, in an aggressive tone, that she better wear a condom with any other guy she has sex with. That only his cum can be in her (or something like that). She said she would because that's obviously the safe thing to do. And then, he re-iterated that she should wear a condom because he's "the only one allowed to cum in her". It was very aggressive. I thought maybe it was a joke but it wasn't funny. It was overtly clear that he trying to assert his dominance over her. And when she pointed it out, he said he thought she liked that kind of talk. She explained that she only likes it in certain situations but of course, this wasn't the situation. She wants to feel like she has control over the decisions she makes with her body. He got mad that the only time she stands up for herself is when it comes to her body. Which made no sense because if even if that were true, that she only spoke up about these sort of things (which it wasn't), what's the problem? It's her body and of course, she should be concerned about it! There are more details that I'm missing but basically, he was just being very slimy. They went back and forth for a little about it and then he just stopped responding.
Her issues with passiveness is something that she and him have discussed a lot in their relationship, mostly with how she's had to navigate problems with men at work and some guy friends in her life. He has helped her through the challenges she's had before too. He, out of anyone, should have been most understanding about this. So it was weird that that when she spoke up to him, someone that is supposed to care about her, he treated her like this. For me, I was astonished at how comfortable he felt saying, "I'm the only one that gets to cum in you". We didn't talk about that part (she was already tear-y and that statement was too disgusting to repeat). She instead focused more so about how he didn't like that she stood up for herself.
Either way, the whole thing was disrespectful. The man made it abundantly clear that he just wanted to control her. And for the first time, my friend actually seemed to see it. She finally said that she doesn't think he's ever respected her. Of course, I absolutely agreed but I didn't tell her that out rightly. That would have been too harsh. I said things like, "I'm not sure but I mean...." How can you tell your friend in a nice way that the man she loves has never respected her and you knew this the entire time? Ultimately, I just want her to come to these conclusions herself. And most importantly, I want her to sit with these feelings and actually do something about it.
Anyway, on Tuesday (I started writing this on Tuesday night but now it's Wednesday night), I encouraged her to not message Dick until at least the late afternoon. I can't remember exactly why I felt it was the best. I think it was because I felt (knew) that Dick knew that she was going to come crawling back to him as soon as she could. I'm convinced he knew he was torturing her. I wanted him to feel what it also felt like to be ignored. She didn't wait until then (I didn't really think she would anyway). I don't even think she waited until noon. She messaged him to asked if they could talk about things. And Dick said no. He didn't like that the only issues she went hard for were feminist issues and he needed time to think. All she said was, "okay". I was absolutely disgusted. This is actually what ruined my day yesterday and had me unable to focus on work. I can't even put into words how I entirely felt about that message he sent her because it was so loaded. I was so weirded out that he called her speaking up about the control she wanted over her decisions, "feminist issues". It's not like she has been discussing "the glass ceiling" or rampant sexual assault against women (which are all valid issues). She was talking about how HE was being disrespectful to HER. And even if feminism was the issue she seems to go hardest for, why is that a bad thing? She's a woman! She lives in a world where her gender plays a huge part in the issues she goes through on a daily basis. Why wouldn't she be most concerned about this? If I had any questions about it before, I didn't have any now. He definitely just wanted to control her and he wanted her to stop having opinions about it. He was a whole misogynist in disguise. And yet, I knew all along.
I mentioned before how I had buried some of the distrust and ire I had for Dick because my friend continued to go back to him. I also mentioned going through our messages in the past about him and being shocked by some of the stuff I'm only now remembering. Like the fact that when they first met, he pressured her into having sex with him without a condom. She was of course, hesitant because she didn't know him that well. I don't remember the details but I know he would say things like, he didn't want to continue talking to her if she didn't trust him. And somehow, that turned into her having sex with him. There was literally never a time where he didn't show who he truly was.
And if you ask her, she'll probably remember things differently but the messages we had about this are very clear. The only reason she was able to finally end things with her last boyfriend is because Dick stopped talking to her after she revealed that her last boyfriend had feelings for her. This is what finally made her realize that her last boyfriend was ruining things for her future. That same day, she sent the final message to The Marine to cut him off. We later learned that the actual reason Dick was upset wasn't even because of The Marine. Instead, it was because in the same discussion, she mentioned she had made out with friends at her birthday party. But she was had assumed this whole time it was about The Marine (as I would have though) because he just stopped talking and never explained himself. This was absolutely insane because they were not official (so he had no right to have opinions on who she made out with), he was secretly married (so he was being shady as fuck too), and HE WAS POLYAMOROUS (so why was it a problem?!). She also made out with FRIENDS. Not random strangers. FRIENDS. She was drunk. It was innocent. And he was weird as fuck about it.
Of course, I was really happy about her cutting of The Marine. But it rubbed me the wrong way that what it took for her to finally cut him off was some new guy who wasn't even talking to her at the time. After all the encouragement we, her friends, had given her for the year she was being traumatized by The Marine, it was this new guy who coerced her into having sex with him that made her see the light. I'll repeat this again. I was happy that she finally left the shackles of The Marine. But it seemed, she only left him to be shackled to another terrible man.
There were several times during their relationship that things were supposed to end, that she was *supposed* to cut him off, and I strongly encouraged her to do so, but it never happened. I made it clear how I felt about the situation and how I felt about him, but of course, I assured her that I would never scold her about it or make her feel bad about the decisions. With her understanding of my dislike for Dick, I think she would hold off on telling me anything about him for a little while. But eventually, she'll come back to me with little anecdotes to convince herself (and me), that he actually does care about her. Recently, it was Dick being more open to kissing her when they were being intimate. He doesn't like kissing in general but part of it was because "it's too intimate". Even when they were official, he didn't really kiss her. It was only after she spoke about not wanting to feel like a pump-and-dump that he eventually started kissing her (remember this because we'll come back to it). Another thing she mentioned recently was how he was calling her on the phone more regularly. When she would give me these "sweet stories", I would force out an "awww" or send a heart (if we were texting) to give her that affirmation she clearly needed. But inside, I would feel sorry for her because all she was getting was the bare minimum.
I also couldn't help but think that he was giving her these scraps to keep her around. Just enough to give her hope, but not enough to make her truly happy. They were not boyfriend-girlfriend anymore. They were never going to be. And yet he was still here, having his cake and eating it too. Admittedly, there have been times where I thought, maybe this guy really does like her and maybe he's just bad at expressing it. Or maybe, I've been misinterpreting things because I've never really seen them together. He got her a ring for their one-year anniversary, which was admittedly, very sweet. On my first visit to Philly during the pandemic, I overheard her on the phone with him for the very first time and I thought he seemed nice. It was a basic conversation but I liked how kind he sounded. Then, she showed me pictures of him at his recent graduation wearing the Bob's Burgers socks that she had given him awhile back. And they were loud and visible in all his photos. So I found that amusing. And then, there is the fact that he's stuck around all this time, when he easily could have dropped her and hooked up with another girl or plenty of other girls to get his same fix without the trouble. Clearly, there's something he sees in her that he doesn't want to let go. The problem is whether this is genuine "love" or anything remotely close to that. I am sorry to say that part of me thinks that all he sees in my friend is someone that he has perfectly molded into the cum bucket he has always wanted and knows it would be too much work to find someone else to mold.
The problem is that it doesn't matter if he truly loves her or not. It doesn't matter to my friend if he truly loves her because he can literally tell her that he does not give a shit about her and she wouldn't care as long as he pretends to show affection toward her. It's actually that bad because it basically already happened and I'll tell you about it really soon. Even if he did love her, he cannot provide her what she needs. And he never has, even when they were officially together. He could barely make out enough time for her. He could not fully reassure her when she was feeling insecure about her place in the relationship. I mean, he was literally married. He could not lie to her and tell her that she held the same place in his heart as his wife. And she could never deceive herself into believing that. When she was in an emotional crisis, he could not always physically be there for her when she needed him. He couldn't even stay over because his wife would not let him. Before the pandemic, they barely went on any dates. For the most part, their relationship was just watching TV shows and having sex. It really has been such a pathetic relationship. I can't sugar coat how I feel any longer.
Today, my friend decided to reach out to him again. She said she felt that it wasn't fair that when he finally wants to talk to her again, they'll only get to talk about his issues with "her feminism", and not what had upset her. So she decided to send him a message detailing the things on her mind for him to read when he finally felt like it. She sent our friend group the message for us to look over and the other girls gave it the okay. I was busy with work so I didn't get to read her message but I saw the words of affirmation from everyone else in the group chat. When I finally get to read it, I'm going in thinking that she was going to give him a piece of her mind. Instead, there was not an ounce of vitriol to be seen, even though she was perfectly in her right to show anger. Instead, she first talked about how she "felt". It was too nice. There was not enough pointing fingers for me, personally. And as I'm re-reading it now, I think that if it was any other situation, it would be a great way to message someone that you love that you're having conflict with. It was just not appropriate for the seriousness of what he had said. Then she proceeded to talk about what their definition was so that she would know what tell other guys as she starts dating. I absolutely hated reading that part because it was clear she was not ready to let him go. Not even close. Then, she ended it asking him to clarify what he means about her only being too concerned about feminist issues.
Now that I'm writing this, I realize that I didn't like the message because it was not going to resolve anything. My friend was already hesitant sending it because she knew he would be mad for the mere fact that she messaged him when he said he didn't want to talk. So it was either he would continue ignoring her or avoid addressing issues she had brought up altogether (as he has always done before). So I felt like if she was going to message him, she had to make it worth it. She needed to let him know what a piece of shit he was. Because if he decides to stop talking to you, he will not disappear with his ego in tact.
Anyway, she sent the message. And immediately, he responded back saying that he was done with the relationship. To be more specific, he said that although he has enjoyed their time together, it was best that they end things so that she does not have to continue worrying or questioning him. It was such an asshole move. Didn't even try to explain himself or touch upon anything she had brought up. He was just done.
But mind you, he has tried to end things so many times before. I was not surprised about that. But I was taken aback by the blatant cruelty.
She didn't update us after that. So I thought he just stopped responding to her. Again, I knew that it was not going to be over. It never was. But I figured that things would be patched up the next day.
No, what had actually happened was that at around 4:45 PM, she went over to his place to "borrow the hotpot" and they hooked up. I was stunned. I was also so so so annoyed. I honestly wished she hadn't even told me because I now I had to respond and I didn't know what to say without sounding as mad as I felt. I guess I didn't ask all the questions I wanted to but I know the fact that my friend did not tell me anything besides how she crept over there to have sex means that there was absolutely no discussion about the issues they recently had. There was no clarification about what he disliked about her feminism. There was no apology for how he disrespected her. Just sex. It was so pathetic.
I think it's also weird to me how easily she can just set aside these concerns because of how much she fears losing him. Like, she must be burning inside right? So many unanswered questions. So much pain she has swallowed.
It's Thursday night now. Throughout the day, I messaged a few friends about how I've been feeling about her relationship with Dick and they all agreed with me that it was abusive. It made me feel a little better knowing I wasn't the only one feeling the way I did. Alan also told me something that confirmed my fears. While she was picking him up from the airport last week, he called her and when she answered, telling him what he was doing, he yelled at her saying that she should know better. It almost sounded unreal. Like he wasn't even the sly, manipulative type. He was outright abusive. It made me think that things were probably a lot worst than I thought and she just never told me. Later that day, I eventually got up the courage to tell her how I felt. That maybe, this guy is emotionally abusive. And she agreed with me. And weirdly, that made me feel better because she was seeing it too.
Maybe it's because I feel it's the next step before she finds the courage to leave.
Anyway, I told her that I'm there for her and I will never judge her for what she decides to do. I just want her to tell me if anything happens. Because I really don't know who this guy is. I don't know if he would physically hurt her but if he is like this, I don't know what else he's capable of doing.
I'll end my two-to-three day rant here. When I was looking through the past messages between me and my friend, I saw some of the messages chronicling the mess she went through with Corey. I didn't like reading it at all. But I felt so much relief that she had finally gotten past that. I hope one day very soon I can look back at this post with the same type of relief.
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