It's been a busy week and it's only Wednesday. Currently, I am working on this webpage for my team and for some reason, it was really hard for me to focus on building it. Basically, this page is supposed to look for certain files in a folder and allow the user to view them within the UI. There were a few things that made it complicated. For example, I needed to create an interface that allowed the user to switch between files in the most recent folder and then, all the files before that. I also have to use this one UI library that some random team at our company created and the components are all ugly and the the documentation for it sucks, so I'm sort of just winging it and working around it. Even with all that, the problems I'm trying to solve aren't anything that my brain can't figure out. During one of our scrum meetings, my manager said I should start making screenshots of my progress on the webpage. Of course, that freaked me the fuck out. Not enough for me to get it together though. Last night, I logged back into work to see if I get a little more done but I ended up spending most of my time talking to my sister. Both of our best friends are having the worst boy problems, so we've been exchanging stories of how sad and insane our friends have been. More on my friend's boy problems later.
Anyway, I managed to make good progress before my scrum meeting and added a screenshot of it to my task. I don't think my manager even looked at it. I worked longer hours to get some more stuff hooked up on the webpage but hopefully, with a fresh mind tomorrow, I can finish this task in the next few days. I feel so disconnected from work and I am definitely neglecting my other responsibilities in order to just get through with this. I keep going over the time allotment for my tasks and honestly, it's making me feel dumb and inadequate. I was incoherent as I was explaining my progress during my team meeting today. I guess it was from lack of sleep and anxiety over feeling like I'm not doing enough. Not to mention my usual social anxiety. I'm trying to just stop caring though about sounding stupid. I wish I was at least funny so my inability to speak properly came off as quirky and charming.
Apart from work, there were a few other things I meant to do this week. My license plate is suspended because I had a Florida license plate and insurance this entire time. My sister got in an accident in my car and somehow, my insurance wasn't letting me to keep my Florida insurance. So, they switched me to a Maryland insurance plan. After some months, I guess the state of Florida finally found out and revoked my car stuff. I forgot all about this and drove to Philadelphia over Memorial Day weekend and while I was going through the EZ-Pass stops, the screens alerted me that I had an invalid tag. I'm not sure what that means for me, but I'm on the look out for a ticket in the mail to come any second. So, that's great.
I also need to submit applications for graduate school. I already got declined from one school, University of Texas Austin, which was technically my first choice. It really disillusioned me and made me realize that I probably should take these applications a little more seriously if I'm trying to start school in the fall. I might work on some tonight, but I probably won't.
I am seeing Dee in Baltimore this weekend. Her friend is visiting family in Maryland so she figured she would hitch a ride with her and see me, as well as her other Maryland friends. We booked a hotel in the Baltimore area so we plan on having a little ol' time together there. I wanted to get my license plate replaced by then but I really don't see that happening. But I hope everything just works out, whatever that means for me. We have a few brunch plans with some friends but otherwise, I am not sure what we're going to do in Baltimore. I kind of like the idea of venturing out to a bar for the first time since the pandemic. I tried to look on Reddit for some recommendations but there was both too much and not enough information on there. Also, I don't know how much I can trust a recommendation from a Redditor, for reasons I don't think I need to explain.
About two weeks from now, I'll be going to Atlanta with two friends, Dee and Y. I have two friends who live in the city already. They both work at my company and I got close to them while I was still living in Florida. They had been making plans to move to Atlanta since 2019 and the pandemic seemed to fall right in line with those plans, so in 2020, they just upped and left. I had been saying I wanted to visit for so long and now it's finally happening. I've been to Atlanta two times before, both times were for convention. The first time, I was like 8 years old, and I remember having such a great time. We went to the MLK museum, and as a child, I was such a huge history buff. And to any kid at that age, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is a hero. So of course, I thought the museum was amazing. A work-of-art. We also went to the Rainforest Cafe while we were there, and I thought that was also one of the best things ever. At the time, I wasn't aware that it was a franchise since I had never been there or heard of it before. But, that doesn't change anything for me even now. I left Atlanta with very fond memories of the place for years after.
I visited again for another convention about two years ago. It was not as fun of a time, and it was not because of the city itself. Somehow, I missed out on making friendships with other people my age over the years that we had been going to convention. That year, it extra apparent and pretty lonely. My siblings, on the other hand, had their own little cliques of people their own age, so I was often left just chilling in the hotel room by myself or hanging alongside my parents. We were also a way outside of the city so I couldn't even explore the real Atlanta unless I made time to get on the subway. It was really hot and things were pretty hectic so it just never happened.
I am hoping that this trip brings better memories. It would be my first time actually getting to know the city, and I've heard so many great things about Atlanta already. I've mostly been concerned with what I'm going to wear. The two friends that I'll be seeing when I get there are so cool. They dress cool and simply are cool. I've gained a little weight and haven't shopped for the entirety of this pandemic so most of everything I have is outdated or ill-fitting. I was planning on making a stop at the mall during the week to see what I can salvage. I did stop by a mall last weekend and got some stuff from Forever21 but after taking the clothes home (because I didn't try them on there), I realized they either sucked or I needed a bigger size. I was already having a hard time shopping because the clothes I was seeing were just not appealing to me. For one, everything is ultra-cropped. Second, everything is a weird, cheap material, costing over $30 for no reason. Third, it all looks uninspired. I also don't know what's "cool" nowadays and I'm having a hard time matching up my tastes to what's trendy.
It's also weird that I have the money to splurge a little more on items that I really like and I found absolutely nothing that has caught my eye and felt worthy enough to drop that kind of money on. I may just need to look in different places. But from what I have seen, it felt like I could've bought the same things at Ross for a way cheaper price. My mom actually bought me some dresses from Ross today and I love her for that. But they were all those tight-fitting dresses that emphasized my plump stomach. But I liked her thinking and I think buying dresses is the way to go since I can't figure out how to put outfits together whatsoever. Tomorrow, I'm going to try and hit up both the local mall and a car inspector so that I can get my car documentation together.
So to update you on my friend, Dee, and her boy issues, nothing has changed. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and the topic of dating came up. She mentioned again how she's been telling the guys she's going on dates with that she's interested in ethical non-monogamy, AND planning on getting back with her ex. I didn't have the guts to say it in text, but on the phone, I tried to convince her to maybe re-think that. Not the non-monogamy part, but the part about her trying to get back with her ex 😠The dating scene for women interested in men is horrendous already. Making these stipulations for herself and potential partners would only narrow her pool of good men even more while making her a target for other emotionally abusive men. I really believe that part of the reason Dick pursued her or continued pursuing her despite her issues with her ex was because he saw in my friend an opportunity for exploitation. The only guys I can see being willing to sign up for that kind of arrangement are guys who are extremely passive, possibly to their own detriment, or guys who are already in a committed relationship and only interested in casual sex. If she is even able to find the first type of guy, I don't think she would be interested in him (she seems to like more dominant-type guys these days), and even if she was interested, I think there will be inherent problems stemming from the fact that the guy HAS to be "not-okay" to willingly sign up for an arrangement like that. The second scenario is what I am really hoping doesn't happen because instead of not getting what she needs from one guy, she'll be getting nothing from two guys at the same. That would also just make breaking free from Dick even harder. I actually don't think such a scenario could happen because then, what is the point of all this dating anyway?
I fear that what's going to happen is that she will continue going on subpar dates because the better guys are steering far away from her and because of that, she'll only want to latch on to Dick even harder. She mentioned that their second anniversary was coming up in a few months, and wondered if they'll "hit two years". I said, it depends on what she meant by that. I didn't expand on that further and she clearly knew what I meant. But I told her that yes, I had a strong feeling they'll still be in contact with each other by their second anniversary (sadly). Whether that means quickie sex (most likely) or an official relationship (lol), I don't see what circumstances could happen that would get them to finally break things off. They were supposed to go on a one month break because Dick and his wife are doing family planning. I didn't quite understand what that meant at first. I thought that maybe they were going to be taking a whole month to prepare for a baby (like furnish a baby room or take classes or something). Dee was a little confused to but I think she eventually gathered that Dick needed to save up his sperm for sex with his wife. And I guess having too much sex outside of his wife could infringe on the baby-making. (I don't fucking know.)
Their break was supposed to start on the first day of June and for the entirety of May, Dee had been feeling pretty down and anxious about it, mostly because she thought that the break would end up being the actual end for them. Oh, if only that would have actually happened. I would have been elated. But we both knew (we talked about it too) that he wouldn't last a whole month. It turns out, he couldn't last for one day because they ended up fucking on the second day of June. So yes, I do think they'll "hit two years" because Dee isn't going to let go and Dick can't even calm his sexual tendencies for as serious of a matter as family planning (his wife was literally suicidal and that didn't change things, so that was the lowest of lows to me). In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if there is whole 'nother year of this mess, through pregnancy, labor, baby and all, because Dick will be getting all he wants (sex), and Dee will settle for what she can get from him.
But what was specifically upsetting me yesterday was how hopeful she seemed that they would get back together. Like officially together. It's not like she was overly or outwardly optimistic or anything. But in telling these guys she's trying to get back with her ex, she clearly she really thinks there's something there. And it is so disturbing to me because 1. she would rather continue that emotional rollercoaster of a relationship than find one where she'll get the attention and love that she deserves and 2. nothing in the words he has said or in his actions has ever indicated that he wants to get back together again. I didn't want to say that last part outright but I tried to nudge her in that direction by asking her if Dick ever got back to her about defining the relationship. He said he would "think about it", yet it has been more than a week since she asked. He does, however, want to continue "hanging out". That was the answer to her question. He does not want to officiate their relationship. And there was no reason asking in the first place because if he wanted to, he would have done it a long time ago.
And so this brings me back to my concern about the way she's approaching dating. It's one thing if she was telling these guys that she plans on being non-monogamous. I feel like that allows her to be honest with herself and the guys she meets without the added pitifulness. That would mostly likely open her up to more open-minded, secure men as well. But by telling these guys she's trying to get back with her ex, she's failing before she even started. I understand that she may still continue hooking up with Dick as she tries to make connections with other men. I actually think that's fine and expected. But I feel like any other woman in her position would at least go into the dating scene with the hopes to find someone that would be a better replacement for her ex. She's not putting herself in the position to do that, and so it all seems pointless to me. Clearly, there's some dissonance in her reasons for dating right now. I know Dick had been pushing her to date for who knows how long, so I'll bet that part of it is the pressure from him. But I also think she's too scared to be completely alone, so she'd rather be in this in-between stage.
In the same phone conversation, Dee mentioned that her therapist absolutely hates Dick, in a way that's completely different from how we, her friends, dislike him. For one, the therapist doesn't seem to understand polyamory, so she was already biased from the start. But also, her therapist doesn't think Dick cares about her at all, or at least not much. Little does Dee know that I feel pretty much the same way. I did agree that the therapist does seem to be off with her assessment because she said that her relationship with Dick was affecting her other relationships, like with her mom and her friends. I personally don't think that's true at all. If anything, her relationship with her mom is what caused her issues with passivity and boundaries setting as an adult. I do feel aggravation with how Dee is choosing to go about her relationship with Dick, but otherwise, she has always been a great friend to me and nothing has changed since getting with him. I also don't have the same negative bias toward polyamory as the therapist. I do have reservations about polyamorous men just because of how our society works, but I know that there's nothing inherently wrong with polyamory and I think there's beauty in such relationships. Dick, however, deserves all the smoke the therapist is giving him either way. But Dee says that despite all of this, she knows that she's not going to change how she proceeds with him.
Dee is really, really smart (intellectually and emotionally) and self-aware. But she's so good at lying to herself. I think this is why I hesitate to tell her the truth about what is going on here because I know she already knows, deep down inside. I have to believe that she's telling herself these lies to avoid an alternative that would be scary to her and the people who love her. She's already depressed and I think she knows that the severe depression that she is going through right now is because of Dick. But if she had to admit to herself that she "made the same mistake again" with another guy, I think that would be the end of her.
I think I'm done ranting about this for tonight. I get this icky feeling when I think too long about the stuff that has been going on with Dee and Dick. I don't feel like a good person and I really don't want to dive into the depths of why I feel that way. But sometimes, I want Dick to hurt her so bad that she finally can't make excuses anymore. I want him to say what he really means. That he doesn't care about her and he never did. I want him to disappear, and finally get out of her life for good. I want her to sit with herself and her feelings ALONE for once. But I know that's such a dark energy to have about my best friend. I need to work on unpacking these feelings. I'm hoping blogging regularly again helps.
Anyway, that's it for me. Good night.
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